there is hope for us. i have no business trying to save the world. that amount of power is relentless and exhausting. seeing the visions & feeling the overwhelming urge to make changes & inspire is killing me inside. i just need a means of a living. i am living out a dream... but i've reached the end of this chapter?
             lying on the couch about to fall asleep in & out of consciousness is what gets me in my head. i feel like none of this is real and i can just stop & stay here again. but i have to leave soon. traveling towards some truer self. i wont be seeing him this time. its just not in the cards. i am losing the sense of feeling with him.. but i can hear his voice in my head. aches that bring me to my knees.. begging & crying for the lost souls...subliminal messages from heaven. 

what.s your story?

“For some reason I believed that if you fell in love it was a guaranteed thing that your path would cross with his, and I never wondered how it would feel to fall in love with a man whose future just couldn't include you.” 

― Laura Pritchett, Sky Bridge: A Novel

i have pains and fears sometimes. they have subsided to a degree... now that i have seen more and learned that there is nothing to fear.... except for fear. but i do wonder what this line is going to form... what sense of direction that i am taking. its refreshing to come back to my soul. where i am. who i am. the island always takes me back to the beginning. there is no end here, i will never leave. she just knows too much. 

you have to leave to survive. he feels the same way.. and from the conversations of the day, i gathered some wisdom. the new age of myself. the one that takes clues and is patient with all the pieces that i already have. the distance is the key, the "own" self, the separate lives to enhance the one that is together. i need to have my own sense of energy that gets me through. i can't take from him, he needs all he can get... to do what he does. i need him to help me with what i give away. 

all the signs are there... to call it a fable would be unfair. -gold coast, group love.

Bright & Early noon

Lord , how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me. Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah. But thou, O  Lord , art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head. I cried unto the  Lord  with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah. I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the  Lord  sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about. Arise, O  Lord ; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly. Salvation belongeth unto the  Lord : thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah. (Psalms 3:1-8 KJV)

White Jasmine & Mint Cologne

This enchanting essence, inspired by a sun-drenched morning in an English country garden, perfectly captures the scent of jasmine, lily, orange flower and rose on the morning breeze. An unexpected twist of soft and sensual wild mint stimulates the senses and teases the palette in this elegant and eccentric fragrance.

         ----jo malone

i thank the heavens for days like today. the sun was so crisp and clean, inviting with a sense that light is to come. that the cold will eventually wear off and we will be able to enjoy this ocean side beach city. all of us are in this together. the changing of the seasons, the pressing matter of should i stay or should go?

i am intrigued with how quickly the scent found me. i didn't even ask, i was actually just fumbling around with random words i hadn't even planned.. and there it was. it only opens up after dusk.. and then closes by the morning. god's gift to me. the fresh smell of the flowers. the morning breeze, crisp with the chill from winter's past. i am so very blessed to live this life. i just have to take the low. that is how you keep climbing. i must continue to grow and have a passion about me. the mystery of the passion is what will excel me forward. i have a feeling, that i've met the the right people. 
its on a day like today that i see my dreams. i have been here before, i remember it well. he was there at some point with me... 

the hat hides my real self. it adds interest and protects me from the surroundings. it was one of those love at first sight moments in life that teaches you to take what you want and love. because if you pass it up... someone else will. then you spend eternity searching for what you could've had. 

twenty.

my life is a poem. the level of creativity that 

i am about to become

exposed to is going to be

amazing.

my plea. my prayer.

i need that natural medicine.

the taste of another

soul. the perfect dose of

human flesh

leaning against me.

pushing me forward

and holding me still

so i can feel again.

a HEART beat.

can we still be who we were 

who we are.

who we were when i met you

that day. you don't remember

the beginning. the fact that you

were the creator  of the love 

and

soundtrack of my summer.

the reason i danced. NOTHING 

will ever change the fact that 

harry harrison sang to

me for two years. sometimes

four times a week. our

close encounters "he's just

a crush". does he even know? 

I have no idea. he doesn't have time. 

The Lord gave the word: great was the company of those that published it. (Psalms 68:11 KJV)

To keep writing is key. Even when the words and letters become unraveled and it doesn't make sense. Stop and listen. You'll be surprised what lesson being quiet will teach you. I am about to shake things up. Again

I'll stay stable and keep on praying. The brisk sharp breeze is what takes .. Me back to the screened in porch in Mimi's garden. 

I love how London takes me there. 

Band of horses - funeral 

I prayed last night. I prayed this morning. Sitting in the sun. Apples and pears. I had to stop and close my eyes. I am so very blessed. 

Little did I know what I would feel when I walked back inside. You know that falling feeling in your stomach, when everything goes white for a second and you can't breathe... Yes. That. This boy... Who is now at my old spot... I sit in the corner and drink my coffee... Watching everyone watch the show. "Mom knows best..." Of course his mother is a hairdresser. 

God gives you beautiful gifts.  

darjeeling. limited.

we watched the darjeeling limited. a strange movie that reminded me of making movies when i was a child. i wrote them, did all the costume, hair and makeup and filming.. editing. in the early nineties. so silly. life must just be a series of metaphors. some times we can see them. other times our feelings get in the way. 

growing so fast. i've learned to move a lot. to tell a story and to let go. keep moving lightly, else you can't move fast enough. there is just too much to take in. i was so thankful to get into the new area. its like a different place now. i have a much better view. the corner on the loft. a spot that is pushed aside and a secret. i just can't be seen too much. its like a magic show sometimes. you have to step out of the picture for others to realize you are… missing.  

Psalms & Proverbs . Ancient love poems

To continue on my way... studies of scripture. Instead of fasting, I've decided to indulge... In the words and poems of the past. Spoken best from a muse and good friend "you've already liberated yourself just to be here".
So I need to add some ingredients to stay... Focused.

I love poetry. I love the sounds of dancing words and hopeful promises from god.

But the stillness is becoming eerie, I can feel too much here. I can read energy... Because I am free now. I need a moment to dive back into my reality. Last nights dinner with my love reminded me of home. Utopia was the best adjective to describe... Our food was prepared with thought, with love... The sound of the piano, the colors and historic relations settled my nerves...

And now I have what I had asked for.. Funny we finish each others sentences. I wrote him a letter last night, he hasn't a clue. But he spoke to me early this morning ... "I need a muse, so you can't go back east quite yet". My thoughts... And words exactly.

and on the thirteenth day…

I was gripped with a bit of fear

Worried the one thing that I loved

Back when I was just a kid

Might now never be enough

That the body I was in

Might belong to someone else

Someone kinder

Someone surer

Someone innocent

Young and beautiful

Someone purer

I was scratching at my skin

Hoping changes would begin

But what laid beneath was blood

Well of course

What the hell was I thinking of

Won't you take me down to the creek

Wash away our sins of sleep

I feel so tired

As though I might

Not wake at all on the other side

That's no way to go

Oh my dear one

Bathe me in your glow

Cut out my lonely heart

And bury it in the snow

Nothing really means nothing

Is the saddest thing I know

So deliver me from sin

And give me rock and roll

Give me rock and roll

And in the morning there'll be hope

And in the morning there'll be light

And if I sleep and dream up a system

A solution

To fend off perils of the night

Come on in, I'll be born again

Born again as someone else

Someone kinder

Someone surer

Someone beautiful

Someone purer

And when I am you'll know

The devil knows my name

Will salvation come

And wash away my pain?

For I was once a kid

With a pure and innocent soul

So deliver me from sin

And give me rock and roll

Give me rock and roll

And a pure and innocent soul

  mystery jets-someone purer

this song says more about how i feel about … my life.

i wake up early and i am mostly on time for work. i feel like the bike ride is quick, the sun is out and it's much warmer today. a slow day, cold and windy.. i contemplate moving, check out my situation. i am sure that i will wait and be patient. this is how i have won… but i was literally going stir crazy and had too much caffeine and sugar. i go on sugar binges sometimes.. cakes, chocolate. i should give something up. sometimes liberating yourself from everything is not enough, you have to give up something more. i just feel out of it. the one client i had is late and kinda flighty. she was an hour late and i had to be fine with it. her color turned out nice.. i just didn't connect with her that well. I'm tired. i had such a headache and sweats today. i think i am still sick. i must rest. everything hurts really, but you have to push through. i smiled a few times, but deep down i am homesick. i am completely love sick. i quickly bike home in the wind and cold. my lips are dry.. i immedielty begin to paint, drawing quickly with a pencil onto scrap cardboard. repetitive lines and comic book like patterns. for hours, until it turns to paint. this is how i process… eating only a snack like dinner.. a snack later. I'm so hungry today. i want to paint all night, i talk to michelle for a bit on the phone… so excited about going home. it seems like only yesterday we were leaving town… eleven weeks ago.

i got excited today about starting a musical revolution. alex had the same thought. we are on the same page as usual. i want everyone to know the good music, the talent. i need everyone to change their views and understand what we can do to change a nation. with music. that is the hat i will wear. i think it's the hat he gave me to try on just a few weeks ago. it fit well. 

(excerpt from 500 days of LA)

Slothful.

This is one of my sins. I skipped practice, I shouldn't of... Because I'm sure something was there for me. I'm sure. But I slept through it.. And didn't even dream anything good...

I miss you and I'm going home to the east coast. --coconut records

I need to be more, I need to speak up (at the correct time) more. A mixture of interest.

Work. Harder.

the old saying.. 'a fox knows many things but the hedgehog knows one big thing'... david bowie is a fox. 

He just said it so many times and we were both so young and such a mess. But those simple words stuck with me. 

...time. Faith and patience inherent the promises. Hebrews 6:12

I read a bit about Bowie in the bazaar fashion magazine. The colors and patterns intrigued me, it inspired me. His first wife mentioned that he had the talent but no one to help get it together. She played that role. 

 Then I read about Diane Von Furstenburg. She is stunning, a character I strive to be more like. A strong smart well dressed powerful woman. With elegance and mystery. Who has a love affair that the world can learn from. That changes the way a woman is perceived by her style and voice. 

But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil. (Proverbs 1:33 KJV)

The brilliance of just letting it happen. Quieting the fear of failure, because I can't fail, unless I lose sight of inspiration. I can't lose faith. The obstacle course that this life is becoming. The jumping hurdles and overcoming bike crashes... The endless stairs that I insist on falling "up". I'm a busy girl... Scurrying around like I'm late... When usually I'm right on time. 

The pressure of self appearance baffles.. They assume I don't have any problems, that's what compels people to confide in me... Little do they know, I just let god help me handle them. 

It is the only sense I can afford. I have already been... I think I knew what today would entail. I knew the comfort of my dark volcom jeans and multicolor sweater would provide... This outfit has seen a few different scenarios. That is what I love about this ... Traveling wardrobe. If she could tell you the story, she only saw a few ...

The right track, you never know where you will find inspiration. I think I'm setting up a good foundation for my "future". He said that "if you dream enough, if you want it bad enough". You just can't tell me no. 

                                I'm in need of someone to hold me close and tell me it's all worth it. I won't get that moment... But I can create it in my mind. How it will be one day. 

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."
Galatians 6:9

this day demands to be apparent. to be of something i can look back on and learn. i learned a few skills, i learned what a ninja looks like. they come in many different forms. i guess i have been here awhile. i just keeping rambling on through the world creating and changing. i believe that i am at the bottom because i have to know this. this is what i need to learn and experience before i can become anything that is worth having, worth learning from.

i think i will help enhance the women that eventually rule the world. i remember the cab ride home from port o'call with her, the sister of the one i loved... she talked about feminism and the way the world is going to change. we are going to rule it, just differently this time. the Egyptians obviously didn't survive, they didn't know all we know now, they didn't have what we have access to. but then we have to go back to earth. back to the place that it all began. that is the only way to live. i am going to raise an entirely different nation of people. it's just the difference that makes me completely crazy. should this breed continue? yes, there should be more. is that vain. surely it is. 

can't even begin to count the blessings that are today. i am so thankful. i achieve dreams, so sit back and breathe. go home to get reacquainted. its your soul that we are talking about here. if someone wants to mess with that, then they will have to answer to a higher power. that is just how things are. amen. 

I feel thorns of green 

       to disperse the

Evil thoughts stirring

      around where nothing 

      really makes

      sense anyway.

I should continue

      on & just choose to 

      forget him. But what

      fun is giving

      up without a fight. 

Don't walk away from

      the one you love.

They don't know how

      to love themselves.

They can't possibly

      understand ...

That love is real? 

Once you leave ... Then you return.

That is when all the answers come out. That is when you realize what you mean.... To others. It gives them time to process what they enjoyed about your company... And what they miss. 

     Every thing is working out perfectly. I'll miss these shows, it's nothing I haven't seen before. He'll be brand new though. He is every time I see him. That's what I love. 

I am new now. The first day of the month of love. This is where I am now. The songs reflect my feelings. Bless me with the means to pursue this dream. This mission. I've yet to figure it all out... 

      The exes have been appearing lately. I need to remember that the physical part is done with. They remain only a lesson and friend. The intimacy is gone. I'm waiting. I'm serious now. The pain that sex feels now with those who don't love me, it's too much now. I'm too much... 

Reflecting on the past, before I was even roaming as a human body... In sound city sunny California, legends were making music that last forever. Nothing is forever but a melody. I'm too distracted by the show to actually stop and listen. So now I'll calm myself and just sit still, and listen. They were making raw thick sounds on a Neve 8028. The piece was priceless but it was difficult to produce. The entire set had to be perfect. Over and over and over again, until you don't think you can push anymore. You got it. 

I felt that last night, when I had to give into the pain... I wondered,  "would it kill me?" No. Simple. But yoga is not torture, it's training. Now many things won't hurt as bad, my body has been shown what repetitive pain feels like. 

foundation. witches. x2

they just keep repeating themselves. hearing everything ringing around two or three times will make you take notice. its like he doesn't want me to miss the signs. that clue. where in the world is carmen san deigo? i have no idea, but i remember the show. i just can't understand what is happening. i am afraid i have pushed open a gate that i don't believe i want to explore quite yet. he said that i had power beyond belief. its all in the eyes. i can cast spells... and heaven forbid anyone try and harm me. they would drop dead in their tracks. thank the angels. i am one.

i can't keep this life hidden anymore. now i need to prepare for the next step... its one that leads to several different places. i don't know where to begin. i knew i needed to be here... called here?

so i scribble around with dr. seuss and i can't even comprehend my infatuation. why does it take love to drive me towards my dreams. it takes lots of pain and hard work. making a life somewhere so far away that it is impossible to ever see him. to challenge myself that much more
        but now i know for a fact that i need him to touch me. i need intimacy and that feeing of skin on me. i wonder if he craves it too. its like salty chocolate...
                                                                   i could eat it everyday.
                    i'll try not to cry, but the release will feel good. ....."and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh". galatians 5:16
                                 but instead walk with the spirit so that you can do the things ye would. i still can't understand how this happened. but i am in awe and oh so blessed. thank you.