i can't have you for mine

it's only a single ---

room for two

requires a rare breed

of blood feeding

souls that scrap

for the essence 

of pressure.

you never know

who's watching

     stop me from staring

     & walking in your shadow.

february 16 2013

style is the statement.

"that don't impress me much."
i bore easily.
as long as everyone knows.



am i there yet?
are we there yet?

spells i choose to place
myself under a witchy
craft placed anywhere
but here we are in the
midst of frozen timbers.



soon i will leave on a
jet plane in love with the
west but yet subtly
submerged in the east.

he will ask me..
one way, or

another.

"the last few weeks have pushed me a bit over the edge. society is beginning to make me sick. it is silly to think that women are walking around with their fake breast that cost more than most of our annual incomes... their designer purses cost enough to feed a low income family for a week... people complain about their obesity problems as if it is out of their control, when realistically they have no idea what it feels like to be so hungry that it hurts. people in our own country are starving and so are their children and the higher society is only concerned with getting the latest and greatest "toys". i am so thankful that the Lord put this realization in my life so i could have empathy for those around us that are struggling financially... working several jobs all days and hours of the week just to make sure they can pay rent to have a safe place to sleep at night. i hope that everyone wakes up soon and becomes aware of the struggle that is all of ours to conquer. no longer can we live in the shadows of "if it's not affecting me, it is not my problem". as humans we were put on earth to love and support each other. i hope that those that are over privileged get the reality check that we ALL need in order to make the changes that must take place in order to make our world a better place for the future." ---TRB

"embrace the mystery of the unknown. this life is too fast paced for social media... instagram and all the other synthetic projections of life. the struggle is true and the future is alive. you'll just have to see and experience it in person... as in be HERE, otherwise you'll miss the entire show."---TRB

he said. she said.

I'd like for you to tell me something about yourself.. anything. But from deep within.

how deep can you handle...

try me.

i have so much built up tension from aggression inside of me that needs a place. it needs a voice and i am learning with each day where to put it.

i have unrealistic visions and passions that i must pursue or i will simply die. 

i have a deep dark sense that is begging me to make an impression. 

i was meant to make marks and i dont know how yet. i am just a child in the grand scheme of things... but i am old in my faith and it is the only thing that tells me i am sane. otherwise the songs that i sing in my head wouldn't make sense at all, but i am only a vessel at this point. 

Very well said darling.

i can't do it alone

but hardly anyone moves as parallel as you do 

You'll have to understand something about me. My human structure is one that coincides with others as an enhancement. That's one of my many gifts from above. It's up to you how to utilize my portray..

i have a similar gift 

indeed

it is all going to happen very soon 

i can feel it 

Bueno noches bonita

credit.

i'll give it to who it's owe
in a sorts of bundles of
bags. in midst of all the
purposes... it might as
well be rags. take it all
from its sorts that shall
pay the owe it's due. if
grant me peace and doom
be true. i'll work it off
instead. if debts be owed
amongst the poor.. we will
pay in time or presence.
but i beg you not to worry
with me... the attitude
serves us well. wish me
luck and watch me lose the
battle that must be won
the absurd numbers you
choose to lock me in this
bubble. i beg you not to
pardon my gossip that
echo amongst the pavement
but forgive me not for
it is sin we press along
the table. a glass of water
a glass wine is spread
across the floor. forget
me nots and paper shreds
that count the story not
fable. the sights i see,
the thoughts i ponder are
shades of black and red.
if not at all the fire burns
inside of all of us...

my promise to you
is that all is grand and god
most truly forgives. but
most of all is the lessons
you learn to teach you
what is certain.

monument.

we found a place to enjoy the world... our wild lives placed in between the constant movement and steady stillness. i wasn't sure where were were headed, but i knew that we would find a place together. it is a freeing feeling to just go....

the pavement was our playground and only the setting sun was how we kept time. it all reality, i would've kept going... but i just had to stop and see what this happening of a place mark was.

it was ours for a period of time.  just sitting in the middle.  the busiest and most peaceful
parallel.
searching for clarity.   amongst all the clutter.   all the noise.    white noise shifting all the while we
are together.

he needs his voice, i hear it as the song of my life. he yells it out into the glassy water, the wind shifts and creates night ripples... resembles symbols in the intertwined position we access in the night. i need my voice as well... searching for her in midst of all the insecurity of my current feeling. i want to cry out, singing as if all the angels would as well.

sing child, sing.

severed was the word i used to describe my last passion. he wonders of these things too... what is my relation? my friend. only a few instances long ago, i remember our time, but it is there and will be all along... my purpose is just as great. god granted me a lover... soon i'll be ready for a voice.

     










what will  be our legacy?    

spirits.

in the name of the only
ghost i drink the blood
of you in honor of the
life i shall live. in the
name of the son, the
father and holy spirit.
amen.


wish upon a star. fuller and i discuss our past & future. she is a life line, oh how i love her so. if i could only blink her into my present realm.. soon enough. listening to the local sounds, chords produce a parallel pattern and i am reassured that i am in the right place.

on the tour of our lives as social behaviors entertain our ideas. we visit the prominent place of drinking in a small town to capture the feel... and promote the band. we are as relevant as they come... and go. speaking the truth and ultimately vandalizing your perception... to realize a new feeling. thoughtsssss are the mystery of existence.
do not let this chance pass you by.

pulse.

using the two fingers in a pressured fashion to check and see if i was still alive. i understand now that

a relationship that causes vibrations.
isn't that what we all want?
the pace is about to
increase.

wild nothing.

he died for us.

so i could have the most stunningly gorgeous life.

i am not interested in any one else ... intimacy is not what i seek.


an actual embrace. something real. something worth a damn.


consistency is the key to happiness.
i talk with fuller this morning and she makes it all makes sense.

"before the seed can grow it must be buried in the ground, decomposing until it soon emerges from the ground as a shining tree of life."

reclaiming my joy
because he was
crucified for my sins.
all the lust, the anger,
the grief, the pain
i must release it.


i held all of my beautiful men today, and i even enticed a few more.
what is it that they love and adore so much?

how clear shall i polish this glass.

existential crisis.

it has begun...
questions.

i am in a very weird place. it makes me hurt and i keep crying to try and ease the pain. the tension builds and i wonder if anyone will be able to hold me... here on earth.

for always i will say too much... i laugh uncontrollably because i know that it is "just fun" london says. so the spell begins again. he may have truth. honestly, these feelings inside are really just from the nerves. the nervous ability for me to keep energized.

this is the end!!!!!!!!!!!!

i must stop what i am doing and change all of it. i see now that my mistake is trusting in the vanity of it all. i must take hold of what i have in front me. who am i even kidding!! i am the insecure one here, i am the one always questioning everything and wanting and needing excitement and passion. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. if not that, well then i'll take a nap.

he kept telling me that i am protected. i have GOD.
i know jesus.
and honestly, at this point and time, i wouldn't mind if he came back to save us.
im so exhausted.

blood moon.

taking my breath away 

the rare eclipse of 

the sun, earth and moon.

laying on the couch by

the bay front window

as i saw the warm 

shadow cast it's self 

over the full and bright

white light. slowly 

moving through the 

cycle... i caught the

stagnent moments of 

seeing red. it was too 

beautiful to explain

and i used my 

imagination to pretend

that it could be 

captured. too spoiled

and solitary in the 

romance of this life

time to let go of the

sight, i wished that he

was lying next me.

but i was alone to 

witness this beauty;

this shadow of 

a former self. 

strength & ease.

 looking at the world around us with a curious compassionate mind. learning to reach from with in our core and then extend out. to use the intensity of our breath to connect to our truth. connecting and holding steady. allowing the breath to carry us further than our physical bodies could ever imagine.

the moments of our life in love is so deeply and darkly stunning. i picked my white roses i saw once in my vision... placing them on my bathroom counter just as i have seen before. i still want to pinch myself when i look into his eyes, is this true? our afternoon walk was perfectly placed and i can see now it was planned far in advance. i found a pile of canvas and frames that i collected for my own renewal. we took what we felt i needed... along bonito back to my apartment.

thankful that i trusted my instinct and canceled an afternoon of social interaction. lately it has felt so forced that i wanted to just engage in the universe and what she had in store for me.

he ran his hands along my thighs as i laid on the bed doing research on other countries death rituals... the room was dark but the light purple shadow from the bathroom and setting sun made for a crystal clear silhouette of a beautiful man. i've never felt such an intense magnetic pull to another human body... one that actually accepts my grasp. our evening consisted of much feeling... he played his new song to me, it captured all the emotion, pain, fondness and letting go that i have felt over the past few months. the sounds are so symbolic and i anticipate the end result being absolute bliss. "i want to keep playing with you..." his voice echoes on all the right chords... as he moves is mouth further south. i still think he is a mirage... i look down at him and just admire everything he does.

the ring of his phone over and over again abruptly ends our time together.. i couldn't feel what was happening next. my heart stops when he leaves, i become quiet and look down.. as if watching him leave is the death of me.

the energy is too much and i lay on the bathroom floor and cry... praying that he will not be taken away from me. i also pray that all things are placed for my survival. all of my needs are met...

synthetic.

when the space in between feels
fake. the lack of character was all
too forced and i couldn't seem to
feel any relaxation at all. perhaps
merely showing up isn't enough
but for this evening... everything
felt forced. everything basically
matched with a feeling of harmony
with the least he was there with me.
the polyester flower pattern shirts
went well with leather, jean and
black. finding my stones left in the
pocket of a much missed jacket...
the one shaped like my so loved
state went missing through out
the night. i wonder why it left me
or is it really as symbolic as he says.
"i hate to say it... but i don't have many
friends... but the ones i do, they are
magical".

silly silly love. i like how he looks
at me with pure amazement. i can
see it in his eyes that he is... full-filled
in the most genuine way we can
only live in the short lived moments
that are a gift, a simple gift from the
heavens.  feeling a sense of "clutter"
it is time to make space for the evolution
of god's creation. it is an attitude in real
time and fashion that can transgress
through the entertainment of other souls.

giving the runway attention i lost myself
in another place in time. it is past due
time to get on a plane. i honestly can't wait
any longer, but i will have to wait.

it is all too surreal to even write about.
the usual.

beautiful creatures.

the immortal twist of fate
is our future story.
the film was a tale of
two lovers...

the advice was real
the town was in the
south. even with the
fictional details... the
magic is real. and god
loves all that he created.

perhaps the perfect
balance of love & evil
is the answer to


magic
magic
magic
magic
magic
prayer
faith.

"see with in your mind as if you have already found it".

before i lose my train of thought.

i realized what is special about me...
i am a ghost.
i am a distant memory.
i am a mirage.
i am an illusion.

each near death experience brought
me back to a new life.
i have come back many many times.

tuesday morning.

dreamland...

we were at some tour or sorts, a cabin in the woods and there were young girls trying to get into the show. one in particular showed up to the old white house and knocked on the door. she was wearing hot pink bathing suit bottoms.. and i commented to her about the fact that she wasn't wearing any pants.... she smirked. making some statement about that is was "high fashion". informing her that she was indeed not welcome inside without the proper attire...pants at the least, she was not happy. i went inside and everyone was getting ready for the show. harry came out of the bathroom holding a pair of clippers, he looked confused and had shaved the side of his head and wanted me to carve 'the tills' in each side. i was panicked in trying to complete this task with only a few minutes before they had to go on, but fuller convinced them that they could go on an hour later. so we had time to nap together and held each other close. telling him about the almost naked girls that thought they could wear "no pants"... i told him about my dream of designing clothing... his face lit up, making the comment that he only liked women with class & style. he had more freckles than i remembr but felt the same.

i vaguely remember an earthquake of sorts... but i felt like a child on the tan vintage tile floor. the trembling went on for quite some time. things bounced around, perhaps i saw toys on the ground. it was a bizarre feeling...

catch & release.

theme of the last few days have been that of a good one.
i have realized that i need NEED need NEED to continue
writing. God has placed certain people in my life because
they are to be written about. honestly... witnessing this is
life is worth being written about.

syndi.
shall i say it? she is a blessing that was placed so carefully..
delicately... in the perfect place in my life. she took the time
to care and compliment my cat-eyes. i take pride in these
wild eyes and their noticeably intense attraction and curiosity.

the world of beauty is a fine one and i am so blessed as to
have been born into this image. each movement leading
to the next in a sense of fashion that i can not do it alone.
with the help from all the women and their support.

"don't be afraid to ask" said daniel. his way of side ways
look does tell me that this is true. the spoken words caused
a mound of tears balanced themselves just on the edge of
my lids... the emotions are causing actual internal pain...
and the loss of body mass makes me walk faster, i have
a significantly less amount of weight to carry around.

how do i commit more?
study.
how do i connect to more?
travel.
how do i impact more?
engage.

just smile. keep smiling. the inconsistency is what makes
it worth the ride. so it comes... so it goes.

sunday nap.

 we met each other with the wind. sitting outside on the public beach stairs just after noon.. i waited and read a book in hopes that he would show up. taking a chance and being so vulnerable to just wait.

"wanna roll on some rocks with me". i heard the clicking of his bike and a few clanks of glass. i turned to see him there... adorable with a twelve pack balanced on his bike handles. slow as the sunday pace... we quenched our thirst and listened to a lovely french beauty from the sixties sing us songs...

with intentions of going on an inspirational adventure... neither of us wanted to explore much further than our own bodies. distraction came quick with a kiss and before we could stop... it had already begun. i missed his touch, his frantic hands and passionate taste. i held him so tight that arms felt weak from the release. four o'clock in the afternoon never felt so euphoric.

the slightly ajar door let in the coolest of breeze as we a laid still beside each other. the lucid droplets of dreams came true and we rested until the early evening... waking up next to him might be one of the most beautiful feelings in my world. he places his hands in a perfect spot of comfort and we enter each other again... this time in a cloudy essence from dreamland. i press my back up against his chest as he holds my shoulders with his arms. i feel trapped and safe inside his grasp... the feelings we give one another can hardly be described or contained. at times i find myself peeling myself off because the feeling in my throat tells me it is too much... too much of a good thing.


the sunset on the balcony allows us to justify our feelings and stare at a crystal clear half moon and stars. the rarity of our connection is witnessed only by each other. i suppose we'll keep it at that for some time. both of us now reassured that our bodies and minds tell us otherwise... it was the best nap he'd ever had. i said the same.

found love.

there was something happening today.
i was being oddly somber about the entire day, i felt lack luster and could hardly force a smile. the day felt like a machine. repetitive motions and moments that seemed like a life time, in just a few hours.

spending the day at the frame shop took my mind off of "things", but i wasn't my usual cheerful self. i tried to stay engaged and pay attention to all the rules, but learning is hard for me... considering my brain works at an unusual pace. managing to get through the evening and what i felt like was ...wasting... time just being there and moving too slow.

the walk was long, cool and dark... through the california ocean city streets. i always underestimate the distance of a walk it is to the little wine bar with live bands, i could've taken my bike.. but something told me to walk.

something told me to go... and just be alone. alone to listen and glance around at the unsuspecting guests and groupies and bar band crawlers, i fit in quiet nicely.  keeping my eyes dancing around the room in a cycle as to not miss a soul... the music wasn't nearly enough to keep me intrigued.

i did meet eva tonight. the only girl who introduced herself... she was so beautiful. reminded me of tupper & jess moody.. combined. odd how just facial similarities and essence can bring back two familiar characters. she was rad, played bass guitar for the band... bad machine. cute cute style.

as the last few songs finished up... i could feel the momentum leading me out the door. it was time to leave and not a second to soon. i felt my pull as i confidently walked down fourth street. i am in the shadows dressed in all black and my hair pulled back in my very distinct way, tucked in a slouchy gray knitted bundle. answering a few texts about the following day and going to church... i heard a whistle.... i kept walking and thought "it couldn't be"... i looked over to see sierra. he smiled and i didn't know really what to do.

i dreamed him up i swear i did. he is the ONLY person that i wanted to see tonight... or even talk to... and there he was!!! my prayers have come true and just as i had asked for him to appear to me, there he was. there he was in real life. he pulled into the parking lot and i picked up my pace to see if i was to meet here there. a group of kids were having their own dj party and asked me to join... laughing i said "i will be right back" but i knew it was false.. as all the doors come tumbling down and now i can just breathe again.

he got out of the car and i still had to just trust that it was "him"... "parking! i have been trying to park for over thirty minutes and i couldn't find anything..." then i saw you. he couldn't believe it either.

the ride to my house was perfect and prevented me from the treacherous walk that i could've taken alone... but he gave me a partner. he loves me enough to grant me this prayer... i wanted my lover.

he had the hardest time parallel parking and then we just sat. i grabbed his leg and we began to spill our guts about the last few weeks apart. all the dreams, the metaphors and a few actualities. the talking in riddles and rhymes at times takes it toll on me.... i tried to look into his eyes for the things he could not say aloud.

a few of the pieces i ignored to choose... just in the mystery of it all, i do not want to know too much.
keeping a steady hand on the feelings is what i have become accustomed to, but with time i will let them spill. spill out at such a rate...

"i love you".


stop
right
there.

i wonder what happened to him to make him fall for me? there has to be an explanation for this sudden change of speed... or was i just completely unaware of the situation. to hold him and be so close to his face once again... it felt electric. how can one human possibly do this to me? making me crazy and clueless to the chaos in our world that surrounds us... looping us into the digital abyss.

is what we just found real? i am now... more than ever convinced that i am a ghost. a mirage of sorts that you create with your imagination to reflect back to you... what you perceive to see. just a ghost.

and he is my dark angel. i am so thankful that i have found him... when he holds me in his arms, i feel alive.

shark.

what is the danger?
i think i gave it all away
in a fury to be here.

the shark in my dreams hurt... then bit off his own head.
flopping around in the bloody room; my stomach aches
at the sight. what does he mean? a fear? a warning?

a giving in.
i am going
all in for the
one i love
most. the
Lord
Above.
i hope he
keeps me
safe. amen.

psychedelic.

for the first time ever... i saw him as a real human being. some one who i could see that is not perfect, his voice cracked and he stuttered through a few songs, i am sure it sounded better in person. either way i was thankful that michelle managed to film just a small amount and send it out west. like the best letter in the mail... a small piece of the show.
he was dressed in his usual combination of red and black... this year with a brand new red guitar. it was a tough decision i'm sure, but he already knows the rules of color.
in a familiar way he flicked his wrist and i am sure that he soon felt he was on camera and smirked...
his hair is so grown out.
shell says she likes it... she'll be sleeping in his room for the summer, as he travels furthest to the east.

the carolina coast sings my name over and over.
today i prove my work ethic by mopping the floors...
i am not meant for this work. my brain is too powerful
for mindless work, but it gave me just enough time
to dream of the island in spring. if i could just snap my
fingers and say a few things, give a few hugs, smile &
kiss those who i long for...

validation.
stopping to see the truth that is from only
within and from no where to be found
is the answer that i seek.
so i close my eyes & pray.

i see red.

"passports"... he laughs. how could i slip up like that and mention that i have... more than one? when the truth is... i only have one. i promise, but it's weird that my mouth should stutter in this way. hmm.

i am so exhausted and tired from the day that i have to cancel


cancel.

it pours out in an effort to do something that means a damn. so i release all of it from my inner core and begin again in the world of which i was placed in. do not worry. do not fear. but we have made it harder than it seems...  part of the mystery is his shadow.

violin.

in an effort to slow down and hear the sounds...
i learn a new instrument.

nothing is new here, i have dreamed in several
instances of playing my own beautiful, dramatic songs.

i wake up to the longing of wanting
of hearing more.

then i got to feel, hold, touch and play
my dream comes to life.

holding the wooden creation is that
of a natural feeling, i would imagine like a child.

the bend in my fingers "just happen"
and i keep perfect posture.

the sounds are soft and inviting
with each bow i can see the future.

now it is time to sit down and focus
on the songs i was born to compose.