there was something happening today.
i was being oddly somber about the entire day, i felt lack luster and could hardly force a smile. the day felt like a machine. repetitive motions and moments that seemed like a life time, in just a few hours.
spending the day at the frame shop took my mind off of "things", but i wasn't my usual cheerful self. i tried to stay engaged and pay attention to all the rules, but learning is hard for me... considering my brain works at an unusual pace. managing to get through the evening and what i felt like was ...wasting... time just being there and moving too slow.
the walk was long, cool and dark... through the california ocean city streets. i always underestimate the distance of a walk it is to the little wine bar with live bands, i could've taken my bike.. but something told me to walk.
something told me to go... and just be alone. alone to listen and glance around at the unsuspecting guests and groupies and bar band crawlers, i fit in quiet nicely. keeping my eyes dancing around the room in a cycle as to not miss a soul... the music wasn't nearly enough to keep me intrigued.
i did meet eva tonight. the only girl who introduced herself... she was so beautiful. reminded me of tupper & jess moody.. combined. odd how just facial similarities and essence can bring back two familiar characters. she was rad, played bass guitar for the band... bad machine. cute cute style.
as the last few songs finished up... i could feel the momentum leading me out the door. it was time to leave and not a second to soon. i felt my pull as i confidently walked down fourth street. i am in the shadows dressed in all black and my hair pulled back in my very distinct way, tucked in a slouchy gray knitted bundle. answering a few texts about the following day and going to church... i heard a whistle.... i kept walking and thought "it couldn't be"... i looked over to see sierra. he smiled and i didn't know really what to do.
i dreamed him up i swear i did. he is the ONLY person that i wanted to see tonight... or even talk to... and there he was!!! my prayers have come true and just as i had asked for him to appear to me, there he was. there he was in real life. he pulled into the parking lot and i picked up my pace to see if i was to meet here there. a group of kids were having their own dj party and asked me to join... laughing i said "i will be right back" but i knew it was false.. as all the doors come tumbling down and now i can just breathe again.
he got out of the car and i still had to just trust that it was "him"... "parking! i have been trying to park for over thirty minutes and i couldn't find anything..." then i saw you. he couldn't believe it either.
the ride to my house was perfect and prevented me from the treacherous walk that i could've taken alone... but he gave me a partner. he loves me enough to grant me this prayer... i wanted my lover.
he had the hardest time parallel parking and then we just sat. i grabbed his leg and we began to spill our guts about the last few weeks apart. all the dreams, the metaphors and a few actualities. the talking in riddles and rhymes at times takes it toll on me.... i tried to look into his eyes for the things he could not say aloud.
a few of the pieces i ignored to choose... just in the mystery of it all, i do not want to know too much.
keeping a steady hand on the feelings is what i have become accustomed to, but with time i will let them spill. spill out at such a rate...
"i love you".
i wonder what happened to him to make him fall for me? there has to be an explanation for this sudden change of speed... or was i just completely unaware of the situation. to hold him and be so close to his face once again... it felt electric. how can one human possibly do this to me? making me crazy and clueless to the chaos in our world that surrounds us... looping us into the digital abyss.
is what we just found real? i am now... more than ever convinced that i am a ghost. a mirage of sorts that you create with your imagination to reflect back to you... what you perceive to see. just a ghost.
and he is my dark angel. i am so thankful that i have found him... when he holds me in his arms, i feel alive.