cigs.

the beauty of it all is the innocence.  sex isn't everything.  as a matter of fact...it's the ugly side of intimacy.  the moment when you have given too much of yourself... you are exhausted and it just doesn't feel good anymore.  the thing is... it's so childish.  everything feels so good with him.  laying with him feels nice... our bodies fit together well.  i wish that i didn't need to be so out of it to fit with him... i'm just a strange creature these days.  it hurts he doesn't understand what he does to me.  nonchalant.  the charm in the simple matters.  it is what it is really... a simple young longing.  the chemicals do good for my body.  they help keep me inspired, keep me alive.  keep me needing more.... thank you.

everytime i close my eyes, it's like a dark paradiseno one compares to you
i'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
everytime i close my eyes, it's like a dark paradiseno one compares to you
i'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side. 
but there's no you... except in my dreams tonight.

-dark paradise-lana del rey

there is no sense in jumping to conclusions.  i guess the closest i could get today was far... but its like at any moment... living that life is exhausting.  it's better to just not a have a clue, i guess i like surprises more than i thought.  you can't rush destiny, i just wish i could feel comfort...  every once in a while.  i'm so used to giving out all of myself, i need someone to help me recharge.

i saw an older couple out tonight, they were adorable.  so affectionate, in a subtle way... but i loved seeing the history of their relationship.  it gives me a tiny bit of hope, even though i'm pretty sure that it has become impossible for our generation to love.  we had no good examples.  just a bunch of jumbled messages... now we require instant satisfaction... or we quickly move on.

i need that feeling in my stomach to disappear.  i'm tired of living this life like some "love" is going to solve anything.. the distraction from where i'm really headed.  i'm leaving all of this behind.  i think she should go with us... i'm going to need another soul with me for this journey.  "soul searching".  finding the meaning of life... because i now realize that it has nothing to do with work or money.  there is more than we can ever fathom.  all of the materialistic things here on earth will be meaningless to us in our future.  

i'm just overwhelmed and a bit bummed that i can't figure him out.  if i could though; i would have no interest in him at all... and then that would be the end.  i like a never ending story the best.  the dark mysterious shadow.  "sometimes depression gives you the same feeling as joy."  i found truth in that tonight.  i don't want to think about anything anymore.  letting go of love for awhile... i'm all used up. 

until you use me up.

a quiet day.  the dreariness of the cold, the new surroundings seem a bit bleak and i have no desire to venture around.  instead the quiet led to a few new creations.  "welcome back".  only a few short weeks ago i was wondering this same place.

i loved waking up to the red daylight.  i would love to have red curtains from now on.  this habitat suits me... the dark wood panel and the small black cat standing guard on the top shelf.  i slept til noon because the sleep was so dream worthy.  i hope that he gets to experience a bit of this dream too.

i decided to not let it get to me.  i must stay focused only on the immediate future.  from now on the past will only offer me a better expression of feelings and also pieces.  pieces of things that provoke even more feelings.  the feelings that help you love yourself.  the self that is alone in the room with you.

i dreamed that one day i would travel the world and paint and write about all of it.  i have music too.  i would sit on balconies over looking the canals and the top deck of an island mountain gazebo... at a cafe table in paris...  i want him to be there too... only sometimes.  i also need time for strictly myself.  so i can reflect and remember our past... to see the future together.

etta james.  she sang about henry.  her power in her voice is unforgettable.  this is the music that last forever.

they can't take that away from me. -ella&louis

The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No, no they can't take that away from me
No, they can't take that away from me.
(Swing it, boys)

(Ella)
We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
(Louis)
(Swing it, Ella)
(Ella)
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of ....

the meaning.

on the road. day one.  it was stunning out today.  the time flew and after several hours we had conquered north carolina.  now we sleep in the mountains... in a beautiful old cottage on the west side.  the place has stories, it beams with character.  the view is crystal and the moon is a pale black light that illuminates and creates shadows in the dark.  i am ecstatic... erratic... and quite frankly something of a strange creature now.  i have no expectation.  we can't form a plan... it would interfere with the master plan.

it is a new life now.  i'm supposed to be in this dark room... red curtains.  the silence of a cold mountain town.  so now i crave the meaning.  i need a meaningful moment with someone soon.  it's difficult to create meaning because it takes time.  you have to have a bit of repetitive movement to make security.  you must have history to create comfort.  so i'll paint something.  something to calm my breathing.  the sound of piano... covering today's "hits" is comforting.  i try and fill in the lyrics every so often... keeps the mystery.


Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now, it may show

I don't know, I don't know

the beatles

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you. 

thoughts.  everything is about to be new.  i am ready.  i would imagine that this is how dying feels.  except i'm filled with the excitement from joy of the detour.  it gave me extra time.  to see friends and family.  i needed to learn a few more things before i left this island.  this place of childhood.  i'm walking away from it now...   i'm so thankful the sun is out.  it makes the air feel clean and revitalizing. i sat on the deck today to meditate. quickly... not much time.  i'll miss this, but the sun will follow me where ever i go.

only hours left.  i'm feeling overwhelmed with clothing.  i love clothes.  a little too much... they are just merely material, but i see so much potential in each one now that it is time to eliminate.  i see use for it in california, i hope anyway.  i'll learn to pack light later, maybe i'll just sell everything.  this is the life that i chose.  i chose to have this freedom to pack a bag (ha several bags) and leave.  this is really the beginning of something new... not the end at all.

im saving my emotion and energy now.  i must stay calm for a few weeks and just take all of this in.  the land. the country. the music. the love. spreading the love.  then when i get to california i want to learn.  learn until i just have to sleep for a few days.  take it all in.  i need to hear piano music soon.  from a human that is with me. you get just one day at a time.

scars.

they add interest.  it was the best worst mistake of my life.  i would say more of a defense mechanism.  it's exhausting having all the attention.  what about anonymous for a change.  at least i don't tower over everyone, wow she is beautiful.  i did it because i was frustrated and over it.  done with all the needs, the wants... nothing ever fit.  it happened so suddenly & i like pain.  i like absence and the fact that i could be away from everyone for awhile, experiment with drugs.  the dreams were strange, should've written about them.  i enjoy change as much i love control.  its a wild card really... now i'm completely different... at least they look at me less now.  before i was an object of sexual desire... now i blend in a bit more.  i guess less is more... the weight is gone.


i was tired.  the day was cold and long.  now i discuss all the options with myself, what am i really doing? at any moment i could just say stop... but i must go.  it hurts.  a good hurt.  the end, that last one.  this years love will be filled with forever.  i can finally feel it.  i would give up all my evil to be with him.  she asked me if i was sad today... not quite, just pondering what i'm really doing with my life.  are my intentions good? sometimes i feel like i can't go on.  i'd rather just stop and participate in the never-ending cycle... or i could sleep in a different place every night.  i love variety.  i like to see something different.  breathe.  i've forgotten how for a few minutes.  i caught myself stopping.  it's wild to think that your body knows and understands more than you.  yet the brain is in  control.  like life... you think you know what you are doing...  only God knows.

i'd rather dance with you.

i'm bored with words.  i create them so well its become annoying.  i'm just pretending, creating the entire scenario... i'm ready for some touch.  i want to feel it in my soul.

the perfect day was yesterday.  all my favorite elements.  it was so overwhelmingly beautiful that i cried.  all the pieces i'm beginning to find them.  it makes sense.  he is right. "i'm absolutely ridiculous". i'm just hopeful... i hugged her and cried.  we don't cry much together, we don't really even chatter much.  what we say is important.  she is my best friend, everything i strive to be.  everything that i strive to become.  she is a mysterious woman.  one that gives out all her love, she is so beautiful... so absolutely brilliant.  she has amazing taste in music and the entertaining arts. she is mother and she is why i am this sliver of light.

"dancing with the beast...it takes money and airplanes." - Toyko vampires&wolves . the wombats

if you love me let me go.  i witnessed the union of love yesterday.  my cousin and his best friend.  what a wonderful family.  it is lovely.  i was underdressed. "i didn't know there would be super model's there". hilarious.  i am a free spirit & sometimes i look homeless.  technically this is true, the freedom of travel.  it teaches you things.

the advice from friends is a priceless treasure.  they influence every aspect of this... this world that i live in.  strange times.  it moves faster now, so fast that my normal entertainments have been pushed to the side, only a bit of time to sleep.  i must move west now.  the time has come to go.  to go on the adventure that will help me grow.  help me to change.  i am letting it go now.  my security... my home.  dorothy said it best "there's no place like home." but for now i'm entering a colorful dream land.  when i return i can create a new life here.  one that doesn't involve the creatures of night, the one's that take your soul.  i need my escape now.  it's just too much.  "you need to go..."

one more slow dance please.  i hope there is one more left in the cards for us.

thank you for the surprise.

"you gotta hold on...you gotta wait". -hold on, alabama shakes

when you step back in time to the place where you grew up.  it takes you down a notch, reminds you who you are.  the dark winding roads bring me peace.  reminds me of my coffee and music tours through the country side. discovering the connections, learning the back way.  i found a pier at the very end of the county.  the road literally ran straight into the river.  there is a graveyard and a few quiet houses.  i used to disappear there and breathe.  listening to the birds and tiny water drops. alone. my favorite time.  this was before digital cameras, before cell devices. this is when you could really just drive away and get lost.  but somehow being that lost... that's where i found peace.  i never took a boy here, thought about it... guess it worked out for the best.  it was my place.  the only special one i considered... we grew up next door... we played in the band.  i hadn't seen him in almost a year, way too many days ago.  his presence calms me, something about making up the storyline to a spanish soap opera is the most fun i've had in a few days.  that's what love is... so thankful.

peaceful warrior.

white lies - to lose my life

He said to lose my life or lose my love

That's the nightmare I've been running from

So let me hold you in my arms a while

I was always careless as a child

And there's a part of me that still believes

My soul will soar above the trees

But a desperate fear flows through my blood

That our dead loves buried beneath the mud

Let's grow old together

And die at the same time

she said he would die alone, i highly doubt that. just that morning he said he wished that people would leave him alone... even for just one day.

i know the feeling. when you are loved, people take everything they can from you. there is less light now than ever before.  those without will quickly steal all that is left.

we are surrounded by zombies now.  people that stand for nothing... do nothing... mean nothing.  there are ugly and gross souls all around us... sucking the joy from the hearts of those few beauties that are left.

today i found poems and stories i wrote as a child. all of my poems were sad.  they spoke of loss of love, the road to gloom and the fear of  being alone.  i love being alone, almost as much as i hate being social.  the quiet lets me be creative and produce artwork.  i need it to just be.

the sound of music excites me.  i need it everyday to survive. i need it so much that i can easily say i would die without it.  "what if there was no music?".  then i would invent it. 

"music is the next best thing to making love.  it's like a socially acceptable form of porn"-trb 

i am ready now.  i am ready to be one with my voice, my thoughts and my soul.  i have the vision, now i must create that life.  why do i keep seeing you there with me?  why are you in my dreams?  am i in yours? do i grace your thoughts... please whisper yes.

so how do we save this place?  we haven't much time.  our future relies on a hero.  several heroes.  humans that open the eyes of the majority of society... if i could be a ninja... the task would me much simpler.  but the heroes of today are in disguise.  else they would be quickly destroyed.  the government doesn't want these "heroes" to succeed.  so we prowl around the world quietly... hiding our true identity. 

Real Life Superheroes is a grassroots movement of people who create a superhero identity and work in a fun, exciting, and inspirational fashion to make the world a better place. They are using the iconic essence of comic book superheroes to make a difference, inspire others, spread a positive message, and call attention to issues in their communities. 

and then what.

Just give me a second, darling, to clear my head.
Just put down those scissors, baby,
On the single bed.
The sand in the hour glass is running low,
I came through thunder, the cold wind, the rain and the snow,
To find you awake by your window sill,
A sight for sore eyes, and a view to kill.

I broke down in horror at you standing there,
The glow from the moon shone through cracks in your hair.
I shouted with passion “I love you so much”,
But feeling my skin, it was cold to the touch.
You whispered "Where are you?",
I questioned your doubt,
But soon realized you were talking to God now.

You got blood on your hands and I know it’s mine,
I just need more time.
So get off your low, let’s dance like we used to.
But there’s a light in the distance, waiting for me,
I will wait for you.
So get off your low, let’s kiss like we used to.

I looked in the mirror, but something was wrong.
I saw you behind, but my reflection was gone.
There was smoke in the fireplace as white as the snow.
A voice beckoned gently “Now it's time to go”.
A requiem played as you begged for forgiveness.
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed,
"I’ve got unfinished business."

You got blood on your hands and I know it’s mine,
I just need more time.
So get off your low, let’s dance like we used to.
But there’s a light in the distance, waiting for me,
I will wait for you.
So get off your low, let’s kiss like we used to.

You got blood on your hands and I know it’s mine,
I just need more time.
So get off your low, let’s dance like we used to.
But there’s a light in the distance, waiting for me,
I will wait for you.
So get off your low, let’s kiss like we used to.

white lies - unfinished business 

all the intelligence and talent in the world can't make a singer.  the voice is a wild thing. it can't be bred in captivity. it is a sport, like the silver fox.  it happens.    -willa cather

"the more i think it over, the more i feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people." -vincent van gogh

this explains it all.  if we can't love one another we will never make any progress.  its not always about pens and paper and acrylics. its not always about the products you leave behind.  its about the love you give... so those you give it to can give it more easily to someone else.  its about making a change in the world with a smile.  

black & white.

be careful what you ask for.  i needed it tonight. i had given enough the past few days. my breaths were quick and the pacing of my heart exhausted... my brain is silent for now.  i needed to feel flesh, another heartbeat... someone familiar.  

the comfort of repeat. knowing the outcome, remembering the past. it is something we all crave. i didn't plan or ask.. but it felt good. the mystery of darkness, thank god it's so close.

i know now.  that's all it takes.  yes i could see myself like that, but i would rather wait and work hard.  i would rather be inspired. i would rather move west.  i know what is here... on the east. it is beautiful and secure... it's all i know.  i had my time, i'll have some more later.

five days later... i'll be on my way. the anticipation is unreal, but i have all the patience in this world.  i am supposed to here. i needed every moment of it.  it's not every day that all of your wishes and dreams come true. it's like a disney movie, the prince saves the princess.  if only it were that simple.... on this merry go round. 

Affirmation.

The declaration that something is true. You just can't hide it anymore. Eventually you have to just relax and let the divine power of our creator take control. Like the web of a spider... We are all connected. All the paths make a beautiful design that captures life.

It's becoming true now. All so very real. The bath helped me cry this morning. I guess all the pressure and adventure overwhelmed me a bit. I just need to breathe awhile and slow down. The quiet and alone is nice.

The number 900. It overlooks the west side... sly fox was the attire for the weekend. It's more about what you don't put out there that makes you who you are. "Everyone is trying so hard to be someone else". Just believe in the honesty of imperfection and failure. Both are like hot tea... It's too much in the beginning. But eventually it is perfect.

The ninth floor holds me suspended in a dream land that is my life.  Finally a canopy bed and a tub, now I just need him to play me piano while I lay in the calming porcelain sculpture to regain my thoughts... My essence.  Our cleansing moments will be never ending.

The elephant & castle holds a small percent of my night. The black and white checkered floor was so busy and unlevel. The curiosuty that killed the cat will have answers soon. I'll leave this world in due time. Standing in limbo for a show. I run the show. Its a powerful position. All the sins are helping me...

#sexkitten.

just like orange and blue... we compliment each other. twenty minutes later i will never forget her name. the red walls, a good backdrop... he sang a song about it. twisted disney describes everything... don.t worry about those that doubt, we are too busy. i do run with the devil, can u keep up?  will you wait for me? the unicorn on the other side. lips.. your.s curl up in the corners.... enough to keep me for years.

catnap

I want to sleep with you.
I don't mean have sex.
I mean sleep. Together.
Under my blankets. In my bed.
With my hand on your hip
and your arm around me. With
the window cracked, it's so chilly
and we have to cuddle closer.
No talking, just sleeping, blissfully
                       happy, silence.

september.28.2010

in no hurry to leave this

i think i'll stay awhile.

change no detail

or wish for no more.

is this what it's like to love?

i can wait and see

patience is a virtue.

blame it on my disposition

of which i'm learning to explore

or circumstances beyond us;

at a loss of words to explain 

what is taking place

it came together so randomly

but for better reason

it could be just right.

i'll play the part of put together

of which i'm truly not…

maybe i've changed

some souls have control of us

unleashing the buried

we shall discover soon

the chaos that is

     Together. 

spirit child

gathering my things now i can't stop thinking about him. about the thought of what it means to be with another human.  i give so much. i need someone to understand this feeling, help me gather it back.
the physical being is what i crave. the beat of a heart. the intimacy of being completely crazy. together.

i want to hear the sound of a piano, the sound of love that someone creates to make these sounds. it's something that not everyone is able to give... those that do are magical.  you give yourself up ... give it away so someone else can find peace. you gain respect. 

my thoughts bounce around now and i need another breath of air to keep me going. the mission of my life. i wonder what life would be like with endless air.  i would love to know.

i'll be leaving soon to see this country. i want to help talent be discovered.  i want to make dreams come true.  all you need is a bit of faith.  i'll find all the pieces in due time. 

#madhattalent

we were all sitting at the table. in our usual spots. i would say the middle of nowhere describes it best. the place you can disappear. the place where you find yourself. the tea party art party. the shitty duck tape party. the grand entrance to pure chaos and beauty. the creating of a world that could one day be ours. we are all so very mad. 

when all the glitter settles... i still want to be standing there with someone.  one that understands the nonsense that created us. i don't want to die alone. we'll hold hands and go together, i hope.
adventures through the forest, scared to death, its a path that doesn't lead out. a trip down memory lane, every moment at once created a crystal clear sky full of pines and stars.  the shimmer drum set, the butterflies... grace kelly & an ittchy tamborine.  beetlejuice.  the entire evening was an illusion. you have to give in and fall alittle, get hurt.  
take a chance and some ginseng. or at least talk about it.  the color green symbolizes everything we stand for. the black keeps it classy.  the black keys takes me there. the wooden walls, already seen this before. the camera...the water rushing in. it is pretty much the dream i had just one year ago. i'm so thankful for all the signs, the ones that point east and west... at the same time.  the scarecrow was just confused. the brilliance in the entire event is that it proves that dreams come true.  i find truth in that.

once you believe, done. i hope that my life really is parallel to hers. i hope that we both found our soul traveler. i have several of them, we'll be together for awhile.  wonder of wisdom is simply that continuing discovery & inspiration. 

the dark and quiet is my best thought. some chalk and moments of childhood memories. i think i have been here before? i just found the key to life.  keys open doors. 

spanish caravan - the doors

Carry me Caravan take me away 

Take me to Portugal, take me to Spain 

Andalusia with fields full of grain 

I have to see you again and again 

Take me, Spanish Caravan 

Yes, I know you can 

Trade winds find Galleons lost in the sea 

I know where treasure is waiting for me 

Silver and gold in the mountains of Spain 

I have to see you again and again 

Take me, Spanish Caravan 

Yes, I know you can

sometimes you are just something else. a being that you fail to recognize. i'm tired now, i have used all my energy for good and its time to slow down.  take in the time to be. just be. quiet. the simplicity of simple.  

water helps me relax, reminds me of my grandmother. she had the best bathtub... with all the best soaps and shampoo.  her entire life was beautiful. all the "pretties". they covered every inch to distract you from the .... 

i don't know her, i didn't get a chance. she died while i was young. her character still lives with me, the creative and curious. the freedom of living day to day.  she was how i escaped from reality. being at her house was a dream. with victorian dolls, rosebush gardens and wonderful cooking. it was  a safe haven. it helped me get my thoughts together.  the brass bedroom was mine. it was like a light blue dream that i could disappear to.  the dark trim along the ceiling had strong square detail.  the lace curtains and soft white down comforter.... it was close to my image of heaven. 

(written 11.11.12)

silence.

sometimes silence is necessary.
silence requires you to listen to yourself.
the moment has passed, you can't return. but it is possible to recall emotions, memories...parts of conversation, smiles. touch & smell are connected to emotion & feelings. i met my match, not "the" (that i know of yet anyway) but i see us as equal. that is why it has the slightest  chance in working. that's really what we are all looking for. the other half that you connect with, that slight chance that maybe it will last forever.  that's why we put ourselves out there, repeatedly.  I see potential, but that is not enough.  I am a realist, love doesn't always prevail.  it takes work, sacrifice, money. sex, love, risk, teamwork, compromise, support, patience, heartache, honestly ... I could fill the remainder of this  page... but instead we base it all on a feeling.  just a feeling ? do we even know what we feel ? as humans, we are in control, but love causes us to lose it .  humans have the ability to give each other emotion... we are able to just give it, free. but it is the most valueable thing we have, how we feel. 
(november.10.2010)

      There is in God (some say) 
A deep, but dazzling darkness; as men here

Say it is late and dusky, because they

               See not all clear;

     O for that night! where I in him

     Might live invisible and dim.

                           Henry Vaughan : The Night

the west side revelation. i just had a feeling, i needed to know. the peace that comes over 

me... the mountains. the air is fresh and clean, like cinnamon. the touch of spice is nice.  

only small bits of evidence are proof of the magical last few hours.  sometimes you have to 

take a chance, put yourself out there.  things will begin to happen.  the uncomfortable feeling in my knees... 

      scandal changed me

it makes me sharper

      more aware of my mistakes.

following my passion

for romance & intense

      flesh interaction

the chills that leave marks

                                of memories.

inspirational xes

my favorite pastime.
hold my hand
let me have just a small
piece of hope for 
                        the future
of what could possibly be love.
grace my life with
your presence & 
                             kiss me...
holding on is that hardest part
we say casual goodbyes
          in the street
to mask our doubts
i know i'll see you soon
someday over the rainbow.


in a pretend life we are able to see through each other. the entire experience was beautifully choreographed, similar to that of the tango.  it answered all my questions, reminded me what i'm running for.  our conversation felt natural, like i had been there before. i guess when you know... you just need to know more.  

insanity.  why does this word follow me around. misinterpreted it could be fatal, i see it as a compliment.  humans pay me in realizations... it happens daily.  the best part about everything is that feeling of satisfaction.  everything happened exactly how i wanted.  that is rare in this life, but i'll keep praying.

i see good balance here. i see a life that we have already tasted, that forbidden fruit. that allure, we still have another realm to discover together. one that will change the way i see this earth, but for now i will have patience. i'm in no hurry, this is going to be a neverending story.

seven human stories... all in one old studio apartment.  the character's kept changing, so did the soundtrack.  something like a speakeasy, the spirits from the simpler yet complicated era of scandal and deceit.  an uneasy moment in time, such glamour and filth.  we danced into the early morning, tambourines ... the entire experience is captured in still frame shots. the words have disappeared, but the feelings have intensified.

she said i was the most beautiful girl he as ever been with... the moment could have been awkward, the small refrigerator was being used as a leaning device for the two lovely lover girls.  i had interrupted the amour, but it was necessary. i like to wander.  the compliment made me feel.... pretty. i ventured onto my normal shenanigans. which involves a bit of violence and a frenzy of seductive laughter.  the lights finally dimmed... my activity did not.

seven am comes too quickly when you need another minute.  we ventured down the mountain to save the world with our creativity.  a cup of espresso and a glass of aqua, we are closer to life now.  i read a book of songs, poems and love notes.  the letters were small and delicate, but full of completely controlled rage and optimism.  the consistency of the visual was reassuring... something about handwritten emotion.  i quietly tried to take it all in, barely able to control my excitement.  the cloudy, dreary barely visible morning helped settle my nerves, the serene scenery of mountain scapes... his tepid demeanor. i found peace.

only God  can offer such a feeling as this. that feeling of perfect.  when you have to stop and say thank you for bringing you back to life.  the article i discovered early this morning about the proof of heaven.  each day i have proof.  but the dark has to come from somewhere, i like to dance in the shadows.  he made the darkness, only he knows what goes on there.

"you are the devil". no, i have met him though.  "what's he like?" he is beautiful and charming, love at first sight. but don't be fooled, he tells you... you are not who you think you are.  you are not an artist.  you music is no good. you should just give up.  i am not the devil, that demon that walks the streets.  i am far far from him, but because of this... i must play with him everyday.  he tempts me with the shiny and pressing temptations that only a scamp can.  i must keep my focus on the brighter side, the simplicity of an early morning.  

i hold onto to him so tight, what if i can't let go?  i just need this time to hold onto a heartbeat... i use my hands to memorize him in the dark.  a cold wooden floor leaves me bruised and achy, all for a connection that will inspire an artist to start a revolution.  the evil of the early hours and the innocence of the dawn creates perfect light to see angels.  we were alone in a crowded yet silent room of clever souls, those three minutes will carry him for a brief while.  some images you just can't get out of your head.  the affect you have on someone... only heaven knows what he saw, but i could feel his hands taking in the vision.  

(october.13.2012)

precious new jewels

glimmer in the light

but what worth are they in the dark?

the shadow of a past

   moment when someone

      stopped the path...

the plan you and the world created.

lead me not into temptation...

   but deliver me from evil.

to know the light

      you must experience the dark.

hold unto me as if you'll never 

let me go. hold me.

   i want to feel the flesh that

      is your being.

the pain that is your passion

the vision that is your determination

the grief that is your joy.

      enter each morning with...

"...what did i ever do to deserve this?"

our little secret.

seems to be the theme for the past few days. strange occurrences.  one day at a time, living a life in limbo.  expect the unexpected... all of life's finest must live this way.  the lessons... the people. each one has had a very strong impact and taught me a valuable lesson.  lessons that your typical twenty something might not normally get to experience.  i'm taking each one with stride.  i am oh so very blessed to get each one.  i hope i've opened a few eyes as well.

groundhog day.  halloween.  similar band. similar people... so bizarre.  i'm quite a mess these days.  the extra time and space has made room for a very free spirit to float around.  when you don't have a plan, life just throws things at you.  two days ago i would have never guessed i'd be exactly where i am right now... no major changes yet, but i'm a completely different person.  when in costume of a beautiful dead doll... it doesn't take much for a misfit to be interested.  it just felt so natural, perhaps it had something to do with the fact that only a year ago we did the exact same dance.  i don't regret the actions or the words, i have no time for regrets.  i do feel a slight pain in my chest though, where my heart is.  i need to consider my intentions, they were not bad. the outcome was....very bad.  the danger in the situation is bad... "what is your situation?" one that i'll have to keep quiet for awhile.  i woke up the next morning covered in last night's mistake... black, green and red streaked my tired body.  i looked like a murder victim.  i had just committed an unspeakable crime.  i'll take this with me to the grave.

the day continued on and i had managed to accomplish literally nothing productive.  i guess i did influence a few thoughts and maybe handed out some advice, but the day had quickly got away from me.  the night wasn't much different and instead of going home to create art... i went out to provoke a bit of inspiration.  even my artwork has suffered... it has become a repetitive wash of similar pieces that i feel don't portray my actual feelings.  instead the lines are steady and the vivid colors are too calmly splashed on canvas.  but after last night... the art show of bodies...  i am so interested in the collection that is walking amongst us.  the soul's homes that are each covered in stories and moments that define what is human.  once the articles of clothing are removed, the story changes.  you can see the actuality of a person and make a judgement.  but don't judge too quickly, you only know half of the story.  i was standing in a funny place, one that i had never really been in... but that is part of the madness.  in order to really understand something or someone, you must stand in their spot.  i think each one of those women laughed alittle inside, "this girl", ha.  but now i know more.  i feel a sort of strange comfort when i'm on a stage.  one that makes me excited and at ease at the same time.  people pay attention to those that are just slightly higher up and front and center.  it's human nature to just watch and be curious.  just be careful who you put on stage...

i get high on power.  "you have no idea how much power you have in this room right now".  i looked around... i was one of the only females there that wasn't working.  he had a good point.  women love women. we have a mutual respect for one another because each of us has been through very similar situations... it's a harmonious understanding that we are just alike.  they all looked at me with loving kind eyes. we had a few moments together.  i just wanted them to know that everything is going to be ok.  we are all in this together.

i was satisfied when i woke up this morning. overall i had made wise decisions in the past twenty-four hours... that isn't necessarily true for the past twenty-four years but with all the good and bad... it got me here.  exactly where i am supposed to be.  the thing about guilt is... it disappears with time.  you will eventually become immune to the feeling... then it's time to go.  i'll move on, pack a bag and take my secrets with me.