Friday, November 2, 2012

our little secret.

seems to be the theme for the past few days. strange occurrences.  one day at a time, living a life in limbo.  expect the unexpected... all of life's finest must live this way.  the lessons... the people. each one has had a very strong impact and taught me a valuable lesson.  lessons that your typical twenty something might not normally get to experience.  i'm taking each one with stride.  i am oh so very blessed to get each one.  i hope i've opened a few eyes as well.

groundhog day.  halloween.  similar band. similar people... so bizarre.  i'm quite a mess these days.  the extra time and space has made room for a very free spirit to float around.  when you don't have a plan, life just throws things at you.  two days ago i would have never guessed i'd be exactly where i am right now... no major changes yet, but i'm a completely different person.  when in costume of a beautiful dead doll... it doesn't take much for a misfit to be interested.  it just felt so natural, perhaps it had something to do with the fact that only a year ago we did the exact same dance.  i don't regret the actions or the words, i have no time for regrets.  i do feel a slight pain in my chest though, where my heart is.  i need to consider my intentions, they were not bad. the outcome was....very bad.  the danger in the situation is bad... "what is your situation?" one that i'll have to keep quiet for awhile.  i woke up the next morning covered in last night's mistake... black, green and red streaked my tired body.  i looked like a murder victim.  i had just committed an unspeakable crime.  i'll take this with me to the grave.

the day continued on and i had managed to accomplish literally nothing productive.  i guess i did influence a few thoughts and maybe handed out some advice, but the day had quickly got away from me.  the night wasn't much different and instead of going home to create art... i went out to provoke a bit of inspiration.  even my artwork has suffered... it has become a repetitive wash of similar pieces that i feel don't portray my actual feelings.  instead the lines are steady and the vivid colors are too calmly splashed on canvas.  but after last night... the art show of bodies...  i am so interested in the collection that is walking amongst us.  the soul's homes that are each covered in stories and moments that define what is human.  once the articles of clothing are removed, the story changes.  you can see the actuality of a person and make a judgement.  but don't judge too quickly, you only know half of the story.  i was standing in a funny place, one that i had never really been in... but that is part of the madness.  in order to really understand something or someone, you must stand in their spot.  i think each one of those women laughed alittle inside, "this girl", ha.  but now i know more.  i feel a sort of strange comfort when i'm on a stage.  one that makes me excited and at ease at the same time.  people pay attention to those that are just slightly higher up and front and center.  it's human nature to just watch and be curious.  just be careful who you put on stage...

i get high on power.  "you have no idea how much power you have in this room right now".  i looked around... i was one of the only females there that wasn't working.  he had a good point.  women love women. we have a mutual respect for one another because each of us has been through very similar situations... it's a harmonious understanding that we are just alike.  they all looked at me with loving kind eyes. we had a few moments together.  i just wanted them to know that everything is going to be ok.  we are all in this together.

i was satisfied when i woke up this morning. overall i had made wise decisions in the past twenty-four hours... that isn't necessarily true for the past twenty-four years but with all the good and bad... it got me here.  exactly where i am supposed to be.  the thing about guilt is... it disappears with time.  you will eventually become immune to the feeling... then it's time to go.  i'll move on, pack a bag and take my secrets with me.  

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