Pretend

I know how to be your friend. You won't have to pretend around me.  It's a wild feeling.. Being hooked.  Without the hope of love, what is the meaning? Music is the meaning now, it causes me to have to give ... Nothing. Instead I receive the feeling of pleasure, to know his song is for me. 

I could waste my time better... Mom said I haven't felt happiness since middle school age.. I remember slightly. I'd rather sit outside and paint.. I haven't much interest in being "social"; only if it has to do with my art.. Selfish. 

I'm always looking for something. Lost in this masquerade. The purpose is pleasant... I haven't a clue now.  Lost inside this lonely game we play.  

Once you write something... It has nothing to do with you anymore.  I believe this, heard about it last night.  I don't even believe that it is me writing, I just believe that it has to come out and needs to be heard.  Whether I'm dead or alive, someone needs to hear it. Perhaps fifty years from now she stumbles across it.. Then she understands. All of my life will be worth it. This moment of reflection reminds me of a time when I read words that saved me.