peter & paul.

i look in the mirror at the end of the night…. after all the tears. i look tired and my skin is dry. i examine my body and determine the dim lighting is the only kind for me now. but i guess passion requires movement and touch… if you do it right, there will be not one still moment to notice the flaws. that is how i am living life now. 

lately i've had this sense of hopelessness and a draining underlying sensation, i can't seem to get out of the drowning thoughts. i keep having weird dreams and in & out of conscious... living out dreams. places i've never been, yet i've seen them all before.

placement is everything. what if his songs are stuck in my head all day? what if im scratching around for a feeling and god put this bizarre boy/man on earth to help drive me crazy. i need to be entertained and inspired. that boy does it for me... he has a sense of sharp pain and agony that i wish to feel as well. so that way i can truly feel the blessing and joys of happy. of those subtle moments you find that stop you in your tracks... making you say thank you. 

im dizzy from all the works and sounds that are creating my surroundings. im trying to conquer all of it, so therefore the lack of structure is making me a bit mad. from now on i will not lie. this is my sin that i am giving up... oh and among other things. i will have to give away sex now, this is not a feeling that i will allow myself to have for the rest of the year. that is the only proper way to have the relationship that i am willing to start building. i know that god has him already chosen for me. i don't get the choice. 
im bad with decisions anyway.