the end.

for one feeling to seize to allow another to arise. this flame keeps putting me out just to light me again... but this time i had to seize fire. leaving it only to fate that we should even see each other. to stop all the tears... i am a fool for ever crying them! and then to tell the one that i love... oh the sensation of tears while biking in the city, only to feel the cool breeze sizzling the saline on  your   skin.

cover me in the skin that once was.

"i am almost there".

....too late, you are gone.

booze & fags.

business as usual sitting in the park with all of our "tools".
tall green cans and musical instruments fill the evening
electric pastel pink... once again fills the minds eye sunset
on this oceanside city. a small sliver of moon is visible to
only those that look into the night's set. exiting scene
shortly after the sun... to embark on her own world tour.
the dusk turns damp and chill... with only seven minutes
to spare we glance lips briefly in the darkness and part
ways.

left with only silence and the chaos of my emotions

to lay down on the floor after standing on my crown

for a moment to meditate. hours later i awake to the 

curiosity of time... which i have passed and missed 

an important engagement, i suppose that is what i do 

best.

no + one

solitude. as if we are on a separate plane and only in small instances can we even see the physical creature that is my desire. planetary alignment is shifting and if gravity has any relevance... tension is sensationalized be it of my vivid imagination. we don't see eye to eye and i literally said "maybe i should just give it all up and say "fuck it"" i said that.

did i mean that?
sure.

breathe in honey, you are in for a ride.
looking at things from a different angle.
now he has all these "time" restrictions.
i remember when all we used to have
was time.

indeed i left it to fate to make it for me,
but i don't connect on this level. just to be
"out" is a pressure that alone can not even
cease.

calling out for comfort... no answer.
better that way. it is going to take
some time to accumulate material
and the essence of a talent. magical
talent is the brilliance of representation
and such projects that better the world.

to share it would be nice. in all honesty
i should've tried harder, looked more.
but the feelings are not there. their. they're. 

if not now, then never.

beach house says it herself... themselves. i feel alone today. i feel disconnected and less than full of life... is a cycle. life death. beginning end. one zero. i feel the ending of sorts... electric pastel pink is what is in my mind. cluster f*cked with society and the culture that surrounds the city.

who am i to say...
"smile, darling... it is your day to be magical."
i am. each and everyday. washing the self-conscious body rid of her insecurity. he will not leave you.. this i know, because the...

blind
interior
binding
lives
eternal

told me so.

sound of silence.

Em   D   Em    C   G  Em    C   G   C    C/G   G   Em  D    Em   Em   D   Em   Em   C  G   Em   C  G   C      G    Em     D    Em      Em  D   Em   Em   C   G  Em   C   G  C  G  Em    D    Em   Em  D  Em  Em    G...

nevermind, it's the A & F chord.

this time is where the stillness creates tension. it's beginning to show in my skin and i'm having a hard time catching my breath. "this beauty is so good, what happens if i just turn around and walk away?"

try it. i can't. please don't blow out my...

and so the days progress and i am soon to have a relevance and a lifestyle that is more flexible. imagining the future as if it has already been and will be. taking hope in brighter days and subtle hints of recognition. what is the sound of passion? what is the price? as if teetering is a detachment and all i can do is call attention to how far i have come! this! this "time" was that of a journey to see where i have come... who have i created here?! to let you know that truth... i am the fire and you can not take what is rightfully mine to have, in time.

building something.

quality is a transaction that will take place

without the use of currency. webs. spinning webs.

zealous.

"what is it that you need from me?"

interconnected in a ever changing challenging loop that consist of what is... in front of you. irony is a brilliant shadow and the lines have been clear. all along in small poetic notions, desperate to cross eventually. who is to ask us why, how come, and are yyou sure. challenge is a blessing and i will soon inherit my fare.

skin & bones.

"sweetie"...

he addresses me in such a manner that i am sure we have been here before.
what could explain "this".
so we paint. and dream. and each fiber begins to bind it's self with another.
circles. circles. circles.
don't touch. dropping to my knees i cry out. these expressions shift shape my thought. the unexpected.

i am frightened to go outside at times because of a fear of what could actually happen. relevance. in a magical twist of fate. love without sex. for i am in love with the one that connects me & holds me in the vanity of my own selfish needs!! so i want to let out a cry that says to you, trust in the God that created you and you shall rise above the insanity of what is "daily life"...

"is this it?" no. it is indeed not "it" at all and i see that wonder is a marvelous tool and i prepare to escape this blunder of a place.



inspired by sobriety. yes my Lord. i am her.

expired.

i feel that my time is running thin & if my body, mind & spirit follow suit then i have certainly reached the edge of exemption. inception reassures this theory... but currency flow has ceased and before long i'll have to come up with an alternative structure of affordance. standing on a ledge that is too surreal and now, even, comfortable at this height, shall i create my own intervention? or am i just to jump off and see where i land? back east? a couch... the street? i haven't a clue at this point. the cells that once had imagination.. vision and clearness are now congested with dead cells. i look forward to shedding this old skin...set an appointment with a specialist first thing monday morning.
                                                                                        until then... i'll listen to the fire suite.

summoned.

i have reason to believe that indeed things are not what they used to be. giving the day options to keep moving and perceive it as an opportunity to unfold without my discretion... it was a well made decision. the comfort of a new option... eyes crystal clear and charmed, perfectly placed with the consistent disposition of an eternal flame. colors of pale eggshell blue, orange fire and vintage brown became our entertainment until the moon was all that was left. here i am. my journey awaits my arrival and days like today remind me that the initiation has transformed my existence, in rare form i seem to attract ...                                        

                               "i have to take this call."

climax.

a s  the   k e y s fall  i  a m  s ea r ch ing for  s  p  a  c  e  and   t  i  m  e.  n o t able t o  claim  o u  r  e s s en ce   . .  . "not involved!?!"  from d e e p  i n s i d e r e a c h i n g o r g a s m i c  proportions  w i t h  this b e ing   u s  u s  us  us  u s

                            so what if now   i   o n l y  h a v e  this   m e m o r y  of  what was   o n c e   o u r s.
                           
m a k e i t. m a k e i t. m a k e i t. break it. "what do we do?"
                                                                                                                   e v o l v e
                                                                                                                             c r ea t e
                                                                                                                 take  o u r  time
we already know how to make it.
dare you to take it  ..  and  b r e a k i t.

Triptych.

(for Organ..........)
Noel Goemanne (1926-2010)
"From the unreal lead me to the real,
  From darkness lead me to light,
  From death lead me to immortality."
from The Upanishads

bringing... inner peace. meditation. eternal joy.

with all the collection
graciously blessed
with patience and
a beautiful
piece
of
sleeping
art
woodwork.

this day is brighter than sunshine
stronger than moonshine
taking chance and beginning to let
the inner chords ring out into the
open air.
what a relief.
it felt good to feel
the thick, authentic
realization of salvation.

la femme.

in a struggle to put proper words together  to describe this experience... a few days ago walking around in a dream within a dream. the anxiety of "is this really happening" took my courage from my cells and left me with only mild social distortion and i couldn't say a thing.

              not that he would've remembered... any of them, they might as well just carry on with their exceptional performances and relish in this american excitement. the french form of psych-pop surf rock is a taste you don't have everyday and had i the words at that time "it's a pleasure to meet you in this life, i believe we met in a dream once before" would've settled the score. the magic alone of already seeing the two-tone black and white hair style... red pants and small character features of his familiar stature, enough to reassure thou that "that" is the point.

            holy fuck. jump off the edge of your self-conscious tight rope. there isn't enough time
               anymore.

                                                                                                                                enchante.

spider web.

the details of a spiders' web are interconnected in harmony, each thread... a parallel placement to another. it's structure, the very foundation of those threads must first be placed with a leap of faith; those few fibers are what he depends on to hold all of his life's work together. 

sacred space.

all the time and space
we can see clarity in
between the lines.
"you are beautiful"
crossed with "can you
forgive me?" for what
you (we) did to each
other. existing once
again in human form,
the type with skin &
bones. again. again.
he reaches out to take
a nip from my boney
shoulder just to make
sure. sure as the sun
will rise my love, i am
still here with you.
in love with your lucid
dreams. in love with
your liquid thoughts.
in love with your ....


holding the quiet
crystal orb, fragile like
crystals swirling, sparkles
in your eyes... i look
into them and see that
you are, as well... the
same. never again shall
i love another as you.
promises can not be
made that you won't
leave me again... i know
our time will come.
but know that if i ever
do go... i love you.

"i'm glad we can still
talk... even when you
are gone."

irony is full price tonight.

but educated guess is half off...

consequently the science behind the scenes is better left unsaid. yesterday was a thrilling day in the calm sense; rising early with the sun is a better way to accomplish the many task at hand. stretching and moving the essence of what is already ours to partake, but you must learn how to use it first. catharsis(ical) is a proper made up word to describe my latest mood.

thank goodness i am "home".
walking around i now perceive memories... ones good, bad, indifferent. this time a shadow follows me, but he is no where to be found. the approach requires a new angle and without detail... i found it. for the change to undertake, you much first release all that does not serve. the repetition of this is an important concept to reach the highest potential. there is no time to explain and no evidence. so i create it. it takes one person .... then another. .... then another .. .. then another .. another ... another ...

dinner with the loveliest of lovelies was serendipitous. arriving at paradise was a spontaneous event and with absolute purpose we had fabulous wine and food and a beautiful "set" of servers. i am starting to understand the combination of human relation. with the help of gorgeous interconnectivity and friends doing what they are meant to do... well, we'll all arrive in a bette place. she leaves for paris next week and with many hopes from above, i pray that a few months with lead us to coffee & discovering europe. divine intervention is a term for a miracle caused by deity's active involvement in the human world. 

flight 782 to LAX.

the day was an odd collection of events, separated by spans of time that kept me still. it was lovely travels to the airport with the sister... passing through country fields of yellow and fluffy white clouds in such an autumn blue sky. i arrived a bit too early for my first flight... which turned into delay after delay after delay. deciding to stay entertained i walked over to the bar across from A5 to have some soup and a hot tea, joining my cup was a splash of jim. doodling triangles on a napkin and making small talk over text messages... until my flight was supposed to board. one hour turned to almost two and we were finally in the air somewhere over virginia. taking the time to quickly fall asleep... as not to think too much about the continuance of my flights.

awake at the time i was supposed to board my next flight... we have yet to touch the ground. in an interior panic i tried to imagine my next moves. feeling stranded and a bit helpless, i patiently waited to exit the plane... in hopes that a miracle would appear. B7 was magically just across the way and in more of a surprise... the plane was waiting for me. each seat was accounted for with an exception of maybe three towards the back, i took my chances beside what felt like a perfect stranger. normally the middle seat wouldn't even tempt me in the least... but this felt "right". i was still shaking and a bit frazzled from the thought of what chaos could've occurred. he began to say words that sounded comforting. judging by his clear blue eyes and blond curls... i think we've met before.

"where are you from? where are you going? .... welcome to los angeles" he spilled out into the stagnant jet plane air. before i had time to process his friendliness ... he was already figuring me out. it felt good to hear his voice, some how the sound comforted me. my anxiety began to settle and soon a wave of calm fell over my body... "you live in Long Beach too?" he stammered. "yes, yes indeed". in amazement i looked into his eyes, he is so easy to look into... to see. i took time to assess his demeanor, his lips... teeth... his curls... all of which felt real. within only minutes i realized that this flight across the country would be much different from all the rest.


just after six after six the plane left earth and proceeded to ten thousand feet above what i used to know. pain was still dwelling inside of me and it took a moment for me to relax and let this one even get close... it took him only a few minutes to pull out pasta and pizza, letting all tray tables down so we could have dinner. with only one fork to share for the meal... enjoying the company. in a very "first date" odd fashion we barely touched the food and instead filled ourselves with words, questions and random bits of insight... then he took his earbuds out of his bag and gave me the left one, he took the right and began to play for us a very intense collection of music. pulling out books of poems and graphic design manuals... i read rumi's collection of wisdom, delicately remembering the details of these love poem's and of course relating them to my own personal situation. it felt right to just absorb his thoughts and sounds with our souls in common, but surrounded in silence.


"i'll take a hot tea... and jack on the side"

"they have hot tea? oh... i would love some"

my drink of choice is something that he has chosen to not indulge in... sober triumphs and i resist the urge to participate, but instead continue on about my own path. i am indeed my own self and for this he is intrigued. "darling" my stomach clinches and i can feel this coldness in my heart, as if it hurts too much to recognize what just happened... what is clearly happening here. his charming ways twirling about and i am almost compelled to become vulnerable, but instead i resist my own temptation of advising this theory. we are too entranced in this first impression that i keep the innocence as he uses his words to reveal as many secrets as possible. without hesitation he goes on about this "twin flame" of his... i can relate and with pure amazement in my understanding he tells me even more. showing him the infinite light of the overlapping candles and their matching flames, it is the small overlap that causes bliss, the rest is unrealistic pain. but it is in people's darkness that we feel and learn the most about others... it is the shadows that we reveal a true human. in human form we experience and feel the emotions, moments fleeting but the feelings are left to linger. now what? several hours later, we are still caught up in one another and i can feel some sort of energy being placed back inside... discussing the details of quantum entanglement and how the vibrations span across the universe, creating different pulses with each other's own revelations. it is the other relationships that we possess that enhance that one true one... the truth is that without all the other colors, we can not create the masterpiece.

pulling on power cords i decided to display only what feels good... the rest can be saved for another day and time. i am too excited and i suppose the caffeinated tea excelled my heart rate to exceed its normal beat...ing. feeling alive is something that i haven't felt since my flame flickered out... of reach. even if we never see each other again... the likelihood of that is unlikely.  a magnetic pull is a force that even well disciplined depression can not fight. i do not wish to fight it, but instead i am going to let this one simmer. we finish the almost six hour journey with more songs and laughter over a text that his mom sent him about being at an art gallery in DC... "i don't want to look at it anymore... it is too much" she said in an anxious way, as if she was completely exhausted. i felt the same.

he put me over the edge and we pinky promised that we would let things unfold as they would... he walked me to baggage, collected my number in his pharaoh covered iPhone... after which a hug and a comment about my curls... he was gone.

shadow.

gathering my things to go back to the west side, i stumbled through a few of my written pages. one year ago was written and red, without much detail ... tangled with this creature. tangled in such a way that no other word will ever describe "it" better than... entanglement. if i didn't have the brief pen marks and a velvet black scarf, a book of poems given... well i'd believe that i made him all up. though he was real then, he is now false and no matter the amount of saline that falls from my lids... nothing will bring him back to this life. the life that we once lived was too bright and beautiful to be real; maybe it was only meant to be fiction, published... years from now. either way, i am blessed to say that in such a manner we let down the walls, briefly, to see what was inside. now living feels numb and i am at a loss of my former self. she died. a ghost that haunts me and his handsome face... flashes in the moonlight of my memory.

innovator.

someone who is the first to introduce into reality something better than before. 

throwing caution to the wind and accepting all that follows. all that was is over. taking rest to find some thread of peace. finding the challenge in silence and sober nights... sleep. take hold of what is to come; reigns that brace future endeavors and all of the reputation you are willing to stake. coming up slow, fast, vast, brilliant. collect what serves you, release what does not. an artist life is full of strife, pain and sorrow. one's life can not be simply put and guided, but it must be a chaotic blend of experiences, adventures and gestures. we all must accept the light that is our very own and continue to pursue the bliss from within. as we connect the "dots", finding ourselves entangled with a flame that might burn us to death, but i'm willing to take that chance. 

golden eyes.

"i like your eye color.."

"what color do you see?"

"like a hazel..."

"amber?"

"more like gold, they said jesus had golden eyes."


in the midst of the evening a turn of circumstances brought in the coldest of air. chilled to the bone i wasn't able to shake off the stale feeling... all i wanted was a hot bath. so far from home... only a familiar skeleton of what i used to care for. after the first song, after waiting ALLLLLL that time to see this band.... i walked out. i had heard it before, i didn't feel like saying any words. yes, hearing that i am "beautiful" throughout the day is a blessing, i suppose. i am thankful for these words, but in my dark phase i'd rather have something else to say. the hashing of repeated phrases and thoughts. i did speak with the girl whose hair glows of gold and she said what i could've said to myself. "paying for an apartment that i'm not living in ... in a city, well i'm not ready to leave here yet, the city will be there" but the phase "it's not really going anywhere" (here) is the key to what i collected. she is intriguingly beautiful, i guess i should have said that out loud.

      my slight desire to get the vinyl signed almost kept me around, but after spotting a creative balance of trying to be everywhere and no where at once... i decided that i would just leave without it. i am a fan, always will be... but the sound is a bit too loud for my liking at this moment. time to exit scene.

theory.

"Quantum entanglement says that two particles can become intertwined so that they always share the same properties, even if they're separated in space. Now it seems particles can be entangled in time, too. Basically, entangled particles share all their quantum properties, even if they are separated by massive distances in space. The really odd part is that any changes made to the properties of one particle will instantly occur in the other particle. There are some subtle reasons why this doesn't actually violate the speed of light. Physicists have figured out a series of thought experiments about how to entangle particles across time."

"Einstein spoke about 'spooky action at a distance' between two entangled particles. Let's say you have two particles that have become entangled. Now one particle can instantaneously tell what the other one is doing without being anywhere near it. It's like telepathy. The two particles can be anywhere in the universe (universal grid), yet remain connected."

man.i.fes.to

a written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives or views of issuer. 

my statement to the world? i just made the entirety of my existence... up into thin air. i dreamed it once before, now it is true... then it is gone. never to have happened or will happen again. a lucid dream of liquid disappearance. i wish to hold something of truth, or reality... of light. once again.

i shall name her and become her. it may require a number of sacrifices along the way, but with each declaration of freedom... one grants me a ball and chain. i have yet to adjust to the innocence, but at will at least try to spill an improvisational attempt at explaining my worst case scenario. until then, a curation of pieces is at stake and the rest of it is just shit. 

the unplanned plan.

i want to feel something real again. to release all that does not serve me. time has become too valuable and i no longer enjoy the placement of my existence. broken heart story is beginning to consume my soul, the serious darkness begins to set in and i can no longer "break the spell".

perhaps i am the spell. to unleash what electricity i have left to savor... being at "home" is such a blessing, so why can't i enjoy a single droplet? it all cycles around again, but i have no interest. i have been here before.

take me with you when you go. dreamland is what feels real and if you imagine it, just think of "it" for one tiny moment, it shall come true. to cut out all the wild is to put an extinction to my imagination. this bright light.. i must let it shine. not letting my light shine is what is the downfall to actuality. LET it SHINE> dear god, i pray you light my path. please forgive me, for i have sinned... but along this path, i have found a new way. sometimes you have to take the path less chosen, even if its full of thorns.

namaste.

"I honor the place in you where Spirit lives
 I honor the place in you which is
 of Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace,
 when you are in that place in you,
 and I am in that place in me,
 then we are One."

"are you upset with me?"

how could i be? for those so deeply and transitional in the universe____ this Love also transcends, through all levels   all days   all years   all moments   all worlds   all seasons   all storms. grounded like an old oak tree, the roots run deep into the soil____ so many layers of veins tangled and guided for stability of an ever present imagination. swaying, the flexible and fearless limbs above ground are supported yet connectively free.

flowing. i feel the tension in my temples.

333.

"It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."

---the alchemist 

wolves.

prancing back and forth
in quick playful circles.



a mess of fur
caught in the teeth
of the player.



feeding one's rush for
passion at an
instant...
bite. of flesh
off the tip of his
ear.



fear not, for we are
safe here in each
other's body curvature
where the warmth
is held in between
breaths.



luring and tricking
each other in
side of one another
nibbling and scratching
the surface.
howling at the moon
only takes a few
moments to
realize that he
is in fact one of
your own.



there is no escaping the
outcome
of the past.
we scurry off into
the dark brush of the
city lights and
lick our
wounds.
gracefully planning
out the careful
and quiet footsteps
each one
underestimating
the sinful
but powerful
occurrence that
led us to this...

march 2013

depth over distance.

the new moon.

rising in the sign of libra, ruler of partnerships. 

intentions for this cycle are tricky... 

planning to release and burn all that does not serve me 

& ask for (in detail) new, fiery challenges and rewards.

•  feel free
• sing out the pain
• learn/enhance yoga practice
• become deeper spiritually
• hear the whispers of the universe
• reinvent my essence
• imagine a change in scenery
• put myself out into the world
• dance with fire
• express my visions 

i found this website and it felt good to read these words:

The term from quantum physics,“quantum leap”, comes to mind.  A quantum leap means: a phenomena where an electron orbiting the nucleus of an atom changes its position without having traversed the space between its old and new orbit and without taking any time to do so.  As scientifically verifiable as this phenomena is, it is also on the order of a miracle, for science has no explanation how this effect happens. This experience of waking up to the power of your own transformation fires you up to change the world.

As Sri Swami Satchidananda says, “Yoga believes in transforming the individual before transforming the world. Whatever change we want to happen outside should happen within. If you walk in peace and express that peace in your very life, others will see you and learn something.” In a teacher training tribe you are learning at a faster rate exponentially. You feed off of one another’s passion and it makes everyone burn brighter. You are constantly being built up to reach higher into your best potentiality.

Something magical and mystical happens when a group of high-intentioned individuals make the decision to gather together for 200 hours with the purpose of uplifting their lives & expanding their consciousness into radical authenticity. 

- See more at: http://yoganonymous.com/yoga-teacher-training-changes-your-life/#sthash.Pwrm32Jr.dpuf

a·nat·o·my

the study of the structure or internal workings of something.


all the parts, muscles, fibers... work together to create what we study as the human body. like nature, it already has the power, force and knowledge to care for it's self. we spend hours learning how each fiber is attached... all the information one could handle on a single sunday afternoon. to absorb as a sponge each detail so that we can better help and serve those bodies that come to class. fascinated with the idea that each piece works in unison with all the others. i am curious and will continue to explore.

i wish to elaborate more

but 5am comes early, i must rest now.

misspelled/lowercase.

to serve it to you lightly...



all the you know is gone.
all that you were is no longer serving you.
all that was, will never be again.

"let me be now."

i made the mistake of holding on too tight and in turn he slipped through the bones that connected themselves once before... again and again he has closed this door, only for me to find another way in. now it is locked and all the keys i can find will never fit... for the one i need is locked inside.

but he stills feels me. it's a tie that bound us long ago... tethered by the grace of our existence. the challenge of uncrossing the lines for the better of both of us is required.



something new, more enhanced... awaits. i pray for a teacher(s) to help me unfold in a classical form.

black cat.

cross my path
     swiftly
     mysteriously escaping           
     one side ___
     anxious to discover
     alternate sensations
     only a glimpse
     free from limitations
     a shadow in the night
     rare to catch the day
     alone in route
     chasing a future
     capture of prey
     falls victim
     to golden green
disappearing eyes. 

saline.

trails & uneven flow of lines
         travel the unknown
stillness of
               natural progression
                           regression

letting go of
            the fibers that bind
release of
            the egos that defeat
to form the solution of the sea.

disconnect.

when the time doesn't wander off
i can't ever have enough. happens
because i plan to make it a lasting
significance and closing my eyes
is a thing of the past. minutes will
continue to move forward and so
does the need to escape. fluttering
along in a passive form; simply a
wink to solidify the absurdity that
i constantly place myself. delicate
to never disturb the precious layer
of dust that has collected while we
were off with others. quickly to let
me go  ever so pleasurable to exit
scene, just to fall back into unusual

                       patterns.

where did you go?

I'll see you on the other side
     where we both are
               never falling short of our
   own differences.

when the subtle details have feeling
       again & we are free of the
             hurt from this eve
                  worlds away

    in another land in time
i hope to hold you closer
          than ever before
         tangled in a mess of your

life that used to so delicately
           grace my very being
                       and all the miles
       we have covered
                in between.

    fond of a journey that never
          holds us down but
                    exceeds the universal
                     law of order so that

    one day... far from now
                    we can fall again
                    & adore the selves
                        that we have found.

twenty.four.hours.

the regretfulness lingers of the day and how i used up too many minutes with my eyes closed. i missed a colorful sunset and the chance to stretch under the full moon. i missed too many kisses from my lover because the timing was cut too short. damn it, i feel so emotionally angered at my negligence to recognize all the beauty that is my current life here on the west coast.


all within the past and future days, cells in my body have been moving and shifting with such rapid speed that i can hardly keep them contained. spilling out over a mess of silver blue curls... i let my hair down for the weekend and get all the important things packed away in bags, zipped up to the brim and ready to be thrown under the airplane.


the assistance and inconsistent consistency of trains guide us toward one another as we meet at union station late saturday afternoon, our time is broadened only by mere minutes that we make it back to a place of rest. i can't believe that he is real, standing at the station patiently awaiting my arrival. we are nervous and quiet until we board the blue line back to downtown, he grabs my leg and i lay my head on his shoulder... at last i feel at peace.

we are at a fast paced peace of trying to piece together what scraps of time we have left, only hours that keep counting themselves down with no mercy for our needs. the evening we collect is full of holding each other so tight, kisses that feel better than i could ever remember... and his mouth placed along the gift that i have given to him. my body aches and craves his essence. fingers placed delicately in the folds of what is my soul bearing temple of light. he has the touch to make it all release.

we eat a late night meal under the moon's white blue light and i can't even begin to understand the beauty that we have become. for a speck of time i stare in awe of this silhouette, curious to how it became what it is today. all the tears i have cried over the past year for and with this boy... now i see clearly. he is a mirage ====== something of my imagination ====== i've never seen someone so stunningly, tragically, perfectly, defined and femininely organized exactly to my taste. i am in love.

many more "first" later, i have to accomplish these goals. driving a car across the state together early in the sunday morning is time we can remember. he said tonight that it felt like a comedic romantic movie as i drove off, he watched me go and worried that i wouldn't maintain alone. i did well and enjoyed this little bit of freedom to travel along the fast tracks of the california freeway. only to be let down by the text message that his job was a flaw and we could've just stayed together instead.

now that we are separated i can't seem to put us back together again in any fashion that fits and the tears continue to fall... down my cheeks and neck out of pure helplessness for the lost situation. i am furious that i won't be able to hold him or be held for nearly two months.... that when we do join, everything will be different. it will have fallen down to the change of seasons and we will have to adjust to these... new figures.

appropriate.

last night fuller gives me the official... summer news. he is seeing someone else. i knew this "news" someone new is always inspirationally interesting. i understand...

as an artist we must continually court the idea of this newness so we can create. i get it. i am doing a rather similar dance and it has caused me to fall quite in a tipsy fashion of love. the amount of love you give... is the amount you get...  right? 

but i feel him far away and late last night i felt as if a flame may have been dimmed as i fell asleep alone. the universe might just be playing a few tricks on me to ease the leaving of the left coast, but i have only hours left and if i don't get to hold his most beautiful, handsome face... i might actually forget what he looks like before i return. it hurts. guess that is the game we play.

what i would give right now to see it all, but i must have the ability to settle with my immediate surroundings. placing several cards down to take a chance on my own vulnerability.. i believe i'll take the train to LA to get some reading done and maybe stumble into the shadow of a lover that i once had. 

progression.

noun.

 - a movement or development toward a destination or a move advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.

 - a succession; a series. 

 - (music) a passage or movement from one note or chord to another. 

as i drink a glass of whiskey on the bed (in need of a prompt refill) covered in bleach and foil to achieve a look that is less than usual... at least those that are "normal" will comment on the strangeness of my (well) being. hm. 

as london said it best... he could have a line of girlfriends and you'll walk up to the front and just smile, a kiss and a hug (forever) you will reside. true.

the progress of my advancement is yet to be seen. it will take many (many) more months before i will even be able to understand the movement that has taken place. my right of passage is just a victory march that you will never understand. you have to see it to believe it... else i am too busy to even understand the evolution of this journey. the growth of my beauty is astounding.. to a point that i won't even recognize the creature that i have become. 

in a series of events.. i still exist on all plains. the sequence of events is yet to be discovered and as he strings me along... i am a heavy stream of emotion. this chain reaction is just a concatenation of how consistent this train keeps pushing on. yes, i will eventually have all my "ducks" in a row and with the cycle of seasons, love will indeed prevail.

as he pretends to (disconnect) himself as a self defense... i prepare myself for what is, was and will be my future tense of events. the beautiful and young, redefined and existent mick jagger waits for my "lunatic" soul to shake him up again. i remember the days... and the sounds that make me (present) tense. 

missing.

where am i supposed to be? (the quiet little voice in my head stammers)

days ago i missed a show that i would have done anything to see... so i could be here? in california? i feel at a loss these days and take the day for extended napping and practicing chord progressions. for what though... while all the "others" are rejoicing over flamed meat for the this supposed holiday of laborers. together getting drunk, in the company of friends... just to have a harder time functioning on tuesday morning. can you tell my mood?

the vague moodiness of an artist is hard to explain. i couldn't explain to you why my sudden change in worldly ideals happens, i guess it is because the chemicals in my brain are physically imbalanced. whatever.


i am missing him too. missing the touch of a human that has such passion towards me that he was able to wake me from a dead sleep just so we could watch the sunrise together on the phone. i had intentions of painting that sunrise today... but i slept instead. our conversation was compelling and thanks to a little white substance, he was awake and over analyzing everything. our relationship was based on false pretenses... and he wanted to ensure that neither of us would repeat this offense to each other. with no intentions of straying, i reassure him that he is the only one... and at this phase in my life, i wouldn't mind if he was the only one from now on. i can see our future together, cuddled... right?

all black. all black is the thoughts of the future. his voice was unwinding his thoughts and at one point i felt like all the cells in my body were melting... as if he was going to tell me that it was impossible to be monogamous with me, but that wasn't his point at all... he was trying to say that i was the only one. isn't that what i wanted to hear all along?

i rest my eyes because the left on hurts so bad that this must be what a migraine feels like... i've lost control of even caring about how this day unfolds and waste it detoxing my over exaggerated brain. now the sun sets and another night falls... should i go outside? or just stay in and start to pack my bags.
the east coast begins to call me; the security of the known and unknown is what i've been chasing... one week from now i'll be missing this side.

yes please.

when he asks... he receives. 

the saline flowed in the morning hours. after awakening from such painful dreams of time moving too fast. it always moves too fast with him... like an overdose each time we get to become wrapped up in each others essence. the small inclinations of this is the past and future. i long for more... forever. "i have my doubts" he admits in the early light. not early enough. instead i reside in slumber which brings me no peace. to be able to rewind and start this day again... over and over. i would have felt strength, love and compassion. "love me forever" the black angels rings in my ear "why does your heart beat with mine? see, it's very hard to deny." why does love hurt so much? how can separating feel like knives stabbing and ripping apart the flesh, as if i can physically see his heart beating in his chest... how can this be?

it is the amount of pleasure felt balanced with the impending doom of the end. it is a kiss on the cheek goodbye, until next we meet ... seeping from my pores is your taste. 

seeing.

the sounds of "69 ring in my ear. moby grape sings a good tune to the afternoon atmosphere. watching the southern california waves from the oceanside window... i perch up like a cat in heaven. this really is heaven, and with each day i will absorb this sunshine. store it in a little glass, like the purest of maple syrup... reserved for the darker days.

last night we sat under the stars... brighter than usual because of the dark side of the moon. she rests her bright light cycle... for new beginnings. setting our sights on the future pressure of a consistently unconventional lifestyle. no longer can i spare a minute of my time to be exposed to the nonsense that is our countries current state of being. only the galactic perimeter is my limit and i refuse to fall for the lies and schemes of "the system". scamming each of us with ease... those who are not aware of their own existence.

blessings are placed like glitter on the ground... i take care to understand that it is given to those who seek this bright light. let your soul grasp this shimmer, take the time to rest your eyes, focus on the third eye and envision your arrival to bliss. with grace and ease each of us is granted the opportunity... 

stagnant.

showing no activity; dull and sluggish. 

the idea that "nothing" is happening is beginning to wear me down... my attitude isn't as sharp and i ponder "the end". this lingering essence of "put a stop to the madness" is what i can't seem to "kick". well well... 

you are in luck. the reset button is only a few weeks away.

the love of my life feels the same, honestly, it must be the unifying feeling we all have. how about you? summer comes to a close in a grossly graceful fashion whilst i have dreams of being uncomfortably bound. this is no surprise and the excitement of falling leaves on the east coast brings me back to serenity. rest my soul and angel eyes... i plan to give more details soon. 

until then, we must all wait to see. 

blacklight morning light.

i am willing to wait. and with all the waiting & patience & hard work i can see the light. dreaming him into my life is exactly what i needed, wanted and desired. now that the sequence of our morning has perfected it's self... we can continue on to the rest of our eternity.

i apologize for being so vague, but there isn't enough time, words... touches or sensations to explain what i am feeling. taking the soul searching moments to myself to gather and collect my energy. i plan to exude much more in my immediate future. much more than i am used to or even comfortable with... experimental settings and relations that exhibit the profound lives that we as "artist" choose to live. the rules which apply to us are no different than the "norms" but realistically... the creative usage of supplies and resources is the main separation to the extreme distance we are willing to travel for a feeling.

he said he loves my imagination. well if it wasn't for my elaborate mind configurations i would just bore to death. the visions and dreams i choose to submerge myself and those around me in... are what keep this sea of mundane insanity a feasible body of water to tread. now that we have established our relation to one another... we are able to behold this precious gift that "took us away" from those that were holding us down. with each ending... comes a new beginning. one door closes... and several windows become ajar. i'm climbing into this one... he has no idea what this life looks like, but i dreamed it up for the both of us.

slipping.

time continues...
sleep
work
sleep
work
sleep
work
sleep
work
sleep
work
sleep
work
sleep
work.

the loss of creative moments upsets the very acids in my being. i can not seem to comprehend the changes that so abruptly dissipated into thin air. just like that... gone.

the piano leaves me
the one lover... moves away
the borrowed guitar
breaks.
now the only instrument left
my voice.

she sings.
i can begin now to
feel and hear the improvement
i can take it anywhere
this voice requires
no case
no rental charge
no label
thank the heavens, because i will soon travel lightly.
making sure to tread the seas with ease. going with the tide
the pull of gravity that guides us all... if we accept it.
allow yourself the grace to fall.

moral calibration.

in the event that i should go out alone... i am destined to make friends with those around. in an underground setting... the task is done effortlessly. to hear the sights and sounds is a sunday blessing and one would assume that each soul has it's... talents. in our pockets, they collect like skipping stones ... better to be known at a later date... when an actual lake is near. not to be held back from the flow of the universe, our creator strategically places each pawn with diligent precision. impeccable timing is the key to opening each door... only to unveil what was already there all along.

"The demons that we fight, the dreams that we dream, the anger, anxieties and anguish that we feel, the pleasures we encounter, all experiences (good & bad) we’ve had, the beliefs that we hold sacred, all put us out there for the world to see and make us transparent and vulnerable." --Roopa Dudley (artist/painter)

UFO.

unidentified

flying

object.




once you've seen this, well i would suppose you have seen it all. only a moments glance and this has disappeared. i am sure that there is a valid explanation for this "white light"... but what's the fun in those?
days pass and too much unfolds; occurs in a falling fashion that i don't know which way is up any longer. he decides to hold on, i am compelled to let go? will this cycle ever end?

when loved by the divine God that is our father... i adore only one. the one that died so brutally so that we may have life. the one that experienced all temptations, all trials, all tribulations so that we could have life, love and liberty. i choose to love my one just the same. with all patience, all kindness and all mercy. by the grace of God may i love him... and those around me.


placing my hand in... i think i have a full house.
i know i left for some length of time.
don't be surprised when i disappear again.

scratch that.

placement of various sounds for a reaction to the action of taking our time. a rough draft inversion too close to scale but still at the beginning. practicing the progressions and rhythms religiously each day... an itch that must be brought to attention before the assembly is due.

7.17.14

layered.

key notes to be placed above the more subtle sounds. of nature to relieve the tension that is our heavenly escape. placed in a world so upside down that the beginning would much rather become our infinite ... grace.
the saga continues and trails into a parallel intersection similiar of crashing trains. the impossible moments of tantalizing self involvement in one another... as if time or anything else at that matter doesn't cater to our wants... or needs. just a pair of inseparable characters living an extraordinary portrayal of love.

for your entertainment.

excepting that the force of the flow is merely a parallel set of lines
electrified when you push this force to manifest the realization
eventually the truth comes out. now familiar faces and places are
masked. i am not good at investing. it says i know the answer all
alone in questioning the right script. taking words and red lights
signs that we should take it down until perhaps we become
accidentally attached. reaching for a higher realm of asking &
receiving. what am i really crying about anyway. i feel weak.

too much drama for one day.
off to learn something, then
another day of childlike
wonder.


be more intriguing. 
see... the sex makes 
us wait. 

i hate this game & i am never playing it again.

this little light.

"i'm gonna let it shine...

let it shine.
let it shine.
let it shine."

much peaceful slumber leads to
a rearrange of words... and a
rested mind. if... it wasn't mine.
day dreaming of another day.
watching the show onstage is the
desire i wish to lead. being "observed".
so to say it lightly... i don't belong
in the crowd.
this fire is
too
big
too
bright.

the awareness of patience
and observation of the
required changes. once
upon a time.

meet grace.

"there is no need for us to question whether or not we are worthy of grace; that is whether or not we deserve it because of our attitudes and behavior. we need not even ponder the matter of whether or not God can withhold grace, for God cannot. it is the nature of grace to flow through avenues open to it. the effects of grace are healing, redemptive, cleansing and illuminating. grace contributes to spiritual growth, mental acuity, psychological wellness, physical function, supportive relationships, orderly unfoldment of circumstances, a sufficiency of all needed things, and the eventual fulfillment of soul destiny. grace does what we cannot do and opens doors which cannot be unlocked by ordinary means" --all things possible by roy eugene davis 

the question remains: what am i living for?

                   where do i invest my energy?

the gospel tells me DO NOT BE AFRAID. 

                               rest in the salvation. 

so i begin to radically change my plans because i believe

when asked the questions...

1. Are you investing into others?

2. Are you finding security in Christ?

3. Are you taking God sized risk?

gracefully i shall reply

                                         yes. 

prospect.

the possibility or likelihood of some future event happening.

a person regarded as likely to succeed. 

in the meantime, i will pass the time with a furrow of my brow and a curious question of "what if?".

what if it all comes true?
what if the answer is that of a simple...
question.
ask.

i want to wake up in my studio. i my creative space that is full of wonder. full of paints, instruments.. charms and tall, open white light. silk curtains from floor to ceiling that blow in the california breeze. i want to abandon all time schedules and live according to the way of the universe. feeling each moment
out so that i can create the harmony that is meant to be my perspective. i want to wake up next to the
partner that pushes my limits and unravels my fears... intentionally seizes each moment with me in unison so that we can bring together the most creative souls together... and make our destiny.

together. 
that is the catch.
together.
"to bind" all the talents with which were are blessed
used in a manner that fulfills the future.
if you don't know where you are going
how on earth will you ever find your 
path? 

"i'm all in."

earth's blood.

obsidian.
black mirrored
vibrations to
help cleanse
negative past
lives.

molten lava
cooled quickly
before
volcanic glass
forms.

clearing paths
within the root
of the issue
cancel fear to
release.

from the ground
resonating a
foundation of
the spiritual
gift of
prophecy.

prayer is when you talk to god. meditation is when you're listening. playing the piano allows you to do both at the same time. - kelsey grammer

train of thought.

the blue line this afternoon is what seemed
to be food for thought. the voice of a mirror
is exactly what i was destined to feel.
to sing with others. take chances with
a few words... leading to conversation, then
passing. sing with others, rejoicing in our
father and the one true love that keeps us
safe.
alive.
living.
amongst
the
dead.

i will bring the music
to them.
feeling the pull of something
bigger than myself.
let him lead the way
testing and challenging
your positive hope of
his existence.

what is there left to give up?
once you stop and realize
that in order to live, you must
let go of all the _____

it is all just the shell of an
exterior to help guide the way.
spread the love.

blue is the warmest color...

molecules won't stop shaking
i sweat just sitting still because
i can't even begin to grasp my next
move. but i need an adventure.

"i hope i get a chance to travel the
world... but i don't have many plans
i wish i could forever stay this young...

love is the prize. " wake me up

i am at a loss
i am lost
answer my prayers
ask and you shall receive.


let me into the world to hear the songs 
i am destined to sing. 

dance of the divine.

sounds of a fiddle.
silence on an afternoon
porch.
all of my lovers align
to give me such a
thrill.
now i embrace the
recognition that i ever
so gently summon.
stop
hoarding all of your
talents and fire from
within.

relish in all the bright
colors he blesses you
now.

saturday, february 16 2013

press the passion.
         what is your passion?

         [ the bite of rock
                that bloody - roll
                of the dice kinda life. ]trb

IF i'm going out. I go all out.
you take that risk
              & travel
              on the fragile
              limbs of winter trees. 

i say a prayer.

let the angels take me 
away from the real.
what is the truth
i beg your pardon if
i am headed the other 
way. it's just an obsessive
compulsive standard of 
living. either way, i am 
falsely loathing a lavish
sound. it is not yours
to create but perhaps 
curate in a sensible 
obscurity. can't you see?!
this title is yet able 
to receive a crown 
because there wasn't 
enough blood & tears.
hands and knees meet
a breath of fire to open
the addict that lingers.
i'll just make it become
as if it always was, 
always will be. he will
find his way under
your skin. 

"i'm such an existential drag." the well by the toothe

time's up.

second guessing all the substance that used to fuel my desire to stay. this side of the country is still brooding with chaos, some see it as creativity... others, opportunity... but i feel it is a source of limbo. i am seeking those moments of "ah ha" or clicks of "oh yea" but instead i am exhausted from trying so hard and just stay in to nap. i can't even throw up anymore energy, nothing is tucked away... the hidden emotion has been drained. i assumed that i had stored enough, but i feel like i'm all out... again, too soon.

what is this purpose driven life>>>>>
"why are you still here?" she asks
 over and over and over again.

over and over and over and over i ask myself.

so i loop the days
loop the desire
again with the passion
how does he do it so
i can feel myself begin
to cancel him out
i push because i care
i promise, come
back again to me
soon.

28 days.

rehabilitation. the act of restoring something to it's original state. my time at home cures some sort of city sickness that i wasn't quite sure what was even ill...
she seems like a different side of things from this point of view, so calmly relaxing and i think "it is worth living this brightly colored light".

to say i had dreamed it all would be too cliche but rather relevant to the actual situation. it consisted of many days and nights that i had already seen and most likely will see again. each day "i would imagine" was able to be filled with moments of heaven on earth.

in a new thought of heaven being covered on earth if you so choose, your mind is one of the most powerful tools in our current existence. getting the courage, focus and concentration is the secret to creating all of your time alive. he argues this point and tries to put a moral code on my theory... by the light of fire reflected off his face he called me psycho and unsympathetic... but rather he put a few words in my mouth that i hadn't intended in my own thoughts, his own personal spin. maybe i should've elaborated more or mentioned the phenomenon of jesus rising from the dead, but yes, i do believe that you can come back to earth after death, "if you deserve to be here".

i do not favor the word "deserve" in this description of life. i look at it as a whole unit, so one person's life reflects amongst the others... it's just their humanly outer surface is used for display... by example, each human being used in a way to show or teach another how powerful God really is. better to be explained with your own worldly thoughts and etchings... mine in particular is quite the "lunatic" side show.

shaking hands we agree on something... i can't quite remember the exact thread that sparked a hand shake... but he felt the need to seal in a mutual bond. i look into his eyes as if i am staring in awe of outer space... and all it's collections of galaxies... black space... moons and stars. if i could answer all the mysteries of our universe i would, except i'm too busy falling in love with this boy, silly boys.  we aren't really looking for answers anyhow, if we knew the solution, well, wouldn't you just want to die?!

the very last drop of time i spent wrapped in loving arms... ones that spread far and wide, even transcending through the realm of our youthful situation. for better or worse, we can't leave each other alone for much longer, i use all of my strength to just rest my head along the shoulders of a familiar spot, sensing the night's progression of flavors...

funny how just a few hours before i was walking along the atlantic, after just arriving from the mountains... wondering how on earth life was going to place such a surprise; one that gets my blood flowing again, gives me hope of how if you let loose of control... you gain the very reigns you had been fighting all along. waking up in a whirlwind of emotion... visions of him in an orange shirt, on the back of a pickup truck, me in his lap happily kissing him along his neck and cheeks, i giggle as if i were a child... all the things i have loved and will love were shown to me in a vision, one that took place during this recovery. amen.

infrastructure.

the value of a solid foundation
building something that  is worth
a damn.



keep going says that thought in my
head. the small little voice that talks
to you from afar. a voice that beckons
one to keep moving... to wake up each
morning.


another day ago i was able to spend
much needed quality time with a kindred
spirit that keeps me burning for life..
with a series of technology that blinks 
messages in an instance... words appear.

"who's twin flame?"
... a friend from the west side.
"sounds like a badass." --hh

funny how a parallel dark angel could
feel the timing of such an intimate moment
i guess our heart strings really are...
strung out. 

i'm on a tide... you're on a tide..."

in my dreams:

for the flutters of visions i can only recall a certain few scenes, but they required a very detailed encounter with mr. harrison. he had fallen ill and was recovering... we were laying on the old wooden breakfast bench of my childhood home, having a snack. spending much needed quality time together in the midst of all the chaos. he kept trying to tell me something but i couldn't hear him, i made him come closer but both ears were hard of hearing from the show. he kept transforming into someone i couldn't recognize... but his eyes stayed the same. i started to think... no matter how he is reflected, i will forever recognize him. i made us a snack and i fed it to him from my hands, but he had a hard time biting into the bread and cheese gracefully. i can recall trying to gather things and spend more time with him... 

it all vanishes with the sound of an alarm.

#mymainman.

well... he isn't at all mine. he's just... the main attraction.
i don't really understand the attraction anymore, i suppose he is just a mirrored reflection and that would explain my endless ... looks.

i did it on purpose.
i wanted to end it all.
i still do.
all the vanity.
all the style... in the
world couldn't save me
now.

who wants me now?
all the past lovers take
a quick pass to see if
they can once again get in.

susie asks ... "not even the smallest spark?"
none.
i have nothing left to give.
kiss like poison
to my bones. i lack all interest in any engagement.
i am over all it.
what more do you want from me?
i lingered too long
i begin to miss my west coast lack of identity... like moths to the light, i am too much for my own well being.

so he sings his songs and does his dance... claiming "i feel more comfortable... this is fresh".
let's never try this again. i know it's the end... subtle hints to tell me so... look me in the eye next time...
tell me you want me, i'll tell you goodbye.

anyone bored yet?

engaged.

---  busy or occupied.
  --- having formally agreed to marry.

the pressing promise that we are committed to each other. the decision to be called in an eloquent way the word "fiancé" rolls off of your tongue... for years & years we have made this arrangement to a testimony of faith. a testimony of loyalty that is bound by a simple infinite silver band. adorned with just a simple jewel; catching enough to keep the others at bay...
i haven't interest in other souls.. other than these few.
so i tie tiny strings of tinsel around their hearts...
patiently awaiting the moments in time when
our mirrored images become exposed in an exposé of trinity. 

cynicism.

they continue to fall with an exception to the rule... the ones that i would want the most.  i can't stay too far away from his singing songs... i sang a few of my own today.

the afternoon consisted of greenery and champagne, me on a swing and a guitar. somehow all the words and chords fell together in a clash of good and bad. i will forever remember the feeling... but never the detailed words that spilled out into the open air... it had to be released.
"darling... you will never say i do... i do believe i'll still love you so... until you see the seas that cease to rise... another tidal wave you've seized... i do believe you'll never say ... never say i do. darling... will you ever say i do". in a country twang with a subtle beat, i hope it comes out to play again at another date, and time.

so i exercise my soul in song and travel. a morning bike ride to dissect my brain, filling the crevices with good thoughts, vibrant visions and a few epihanies... never ceasing to deliver with the fresh air and trails through the wilderness.

something to be said about a man in polka dots. i was able to capture his brilliant stature in raw form... covered in the tiny dots, buttoned up and tucked in; just how i remember the dark one at first sight so many months ago. two of a kind in a fashion that this "pretty" lady can never resist.

experimental lifestyle.

after a weekend of ghostly appearances and a few stolen moments... on the smallest island in the land, camped out in the woods, with only a candle to light the way. he sleeps behind a red curtain covered in an illness that seeped through his body like venom. i suppose he was poisoned...

taking the time to rest and heal our separate souls, i gave him every melodic touch i had available. my hands began to shake as i released tension along his face... running presssing fingers to systematically  curate blood flow. falling into the parallel dream land only seconds apart, i wonder who he seas... sees.... seize.

"do you really know what you are doing?"
he smirks under his long curly lockets...
"yes".

but honestly isn't it all just trial & error?




one.
two.
three. dreams all at once in the process, offer me the hope and joy i found once before. readings and visions say that in the present moment i stifle with the mother of swords. some might agree that inattentive describes my sense of caring... a fascinatingly threatening life form... "have we met before?"
please do not take offense in my actions, they weren't meant to hurt you. it's just part of the process and you became swept up in the storm. shadows cover the parts i wish to forget to never be able to remember.

1.2.3.

"i said i am... too proud... to beg."

if you would only answer.
he said.. I wish you wouldn't come over.
i took it too personal.
now i lay alone.

alone.


i hope that soon someone will be able to hold me.
i'm exhausted.
i'm too tired to be alone.

puja.

prayer ritual performed by Hindus to host, honour and worship one or more deities, or to spiritually celebrate an event.[1][2] Sometimes spelled phonetically as Pooja or Poojah, it may honour or celebrate the presence of special guest(s), or their memories after they pass away. The word Pūjā (Devanagari: पूजा) comes from Sanskrit, and means reverence, honour, homage, adoration, and worship.

gathering ourselves around the fire we gave offerings to release the burden that has been placed upon us. throwing all of our troubles into the burning embers... letting go of the hurt, pain and sorrow and envisioning a new chapter... a new vibration into the universe. as the sun set along the eastern horizon... we chanted an hour long prayer asking for our blessings. i released the tension and asked that i receive the voice of the angels. i prayed for my family, good health... i could only see cristoffer in front of me, i wanted him near by... i wanted him by my side. the parallel burning fire that is so important to my survival. he may indeed be a lifelong shaman, so i asked that we stay in love for the rest of our earthly time... and infinitly that we soar together through the stars. holding tight the yellow daisy in my hand until it was time to throw it into the fire... becoming dust once again. the hour had passed and our song had come to an end... we circled the fire nine times to seal the essence and then it was done. 

peace.

as i dig deeper into the issues of the current state of mind, i am ever so grateful for the shift in graciousness. reading a few scriptures before sleep... this i stumble upon:

now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous, nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. 

hebrews 12:11

the law of love.

in a vivid dream last night destiny told me that i needed to learn the law of love.

i can recall the feelings of not wanting to be around... my work is on this side for now.

for the time being i am surrounded by the love that is my current perception of the world.

so much praise, support and beauty... how could i possibly feel anymore sorrow. i collect hugs

like marbles that were once scattered along the floor... a slow but steady process, one with 

all the sights and sounds of the familiar. later days will be filled in with pen & paper, you 

must ask and you will receive. i wish that one could grasp and read all the words that i will

continue to intimately write on the ivory sheets, along the lines in flowing ink. old fashioned

and to the point, i collect the energy i deserve to survive. 

research found the answers... in seven spiritual stages. this all catches my attention as i am 

currently witnessing it all unfold. 

attraction.

nothing is more beautiful than naturalness.

infatuation.

the attraction between two people is so intense that is transports them beyond ordinary perception and the ordinary world becomes enchanted.

communion.

contact of soul with soul, taking from each other what they did not possess alone. 

intimacy.

when flesh emerges with flesh... sexual energy is seen as the creative energy of the universe.

surrender and non-attachment.

losing yourself in another person is the best way to find your true self.

passion.

higher reality is experienced in the merging of the masculine and the feminine in one's own being.

ecstasy.

it is our original state... this is where we came from, the state of grace to which we shall one day return. it is the final stage of intimacy with spirit that flows through love. 

each and every religion has something to be said about this law... and that is the gift of giving without the hope of reward or pay. "divine law can neither be ignored nor put aside". 

i grasp this concept with such intensity that it projects everything i have been trying to say all along. i am no longer hurt or suffering. i have been released and the mind shift takes place... as the new moon rises, i set my new intentions for the cycle.

• no longer will i be controlled by the world.
• i will love those around me.
• i will sing with my heart & soul.
• i will not be held back by my own insecurities.
• i will forgive those who have wronged me, but i will not forget.
• each day will open new doors, all through song & dance.
• i will make new sounds each day.
• the creative art i see in my mind will come out on paper.
• i will forever be filled with the light, glory, & beauty of the divine goddess spirit that i possess for eternity.
• i will be loved.