12.31.13

the first few minutes of the last day of the year. the symbolism is extravagant and well worth the wait.

i remember scribbling this date down on a napkin a year ago at a coffee shop in california... now i lay here in the mountain side of Carolina. this day is to be of something... extraordinary.

the vision sisters inspired me to keep pushing, to keep pressing forward in my restless contentment. the desire for a mentor has been met and i may even have a few flames to add to the division of cells. to put yourself out there is a reckless chore; but one that stammers: proceed with caution.
so my word for the year?
PERSISTENCE

as for my attire? i believe i will be wearing all black; always all black. and a bowtie to match. if i could be anymore invisible...

broadway.

it has been the trip of a... lifetime. so here i am, back in my west side east side party... life in a carolina mountain town. the distance is always to my advantage and i see now that timing and ryhthym are the key to survival. i understand now, now that everyone has their personal... saga.

 my to be continued life is just a lyrical performance of the expected. i realize that only one minute of seeing him is enough to bring me into the realm of distortion.. and i am merely a beautiful distraction. i'll take all the insults as compliments to harness the new energy that is my perception of the future. i already control the space and the stars... "just use me as your science experiment."

holiday.

the insight from my east coast life style.
the pause to push play and keep the momentum rolling forward.
we all must take the time to gain the strength and support
from friends and family.
is it true that the love of my life is only a few days away.
twenty thousand fourteen is calling all of us
for a big surprise.

anthracite.

awake at five in the morning... coloring my hair.
like a fix
just like a fix...

friday the 13th. was one of my favorite days
wearing all black for the occasion
spending intimate moments
together. we start to show more
affection.

the tills went viral on the internet
holy rollers
asheville was featured
in nylon magazine.

oh... and i had front row seats
to a listening party of all the new
music of tomorrow.
i know
i already know.
musicians sharing and spilling their
soul in a rough draft of sensual
sexy electric guitar
and percussion.

i never put much thought into percussion
until i met sir.sierra
but now i see that his job
is to keep perfect time.

he has impeccable timing.

music & women.

laws of attraction will bring us back
to the reality of all that
matters is... music.
if i am not caught up in the distraction
of boys... i am chasing music.

seeking sound to gather a high
to make me see visions of
my future with .... both.

this brings me back to sex appeal
instinct to mate
companionship
support
challenge and desire.

i want to make love
i want to make music


it is now or never. i have almost been broken of fear.
is it odd that self inflicted pain is helping ease the tension...

acid tears.

as soon as you become to feel comfortable... that is when the rug is pulled from under your feet. just as the table setting begins to look as you imagined... it is all displaced.
maybe our universe is just a projection.
see where i am going with this?
i am talking crazy.
i have gone mad.
i called out of work today because i couldn't even work up enough energy to get there.
we woke up in tousled mess of arms and legs
maybe we took it too far.
he doesn't plan to stay over
but he never leaves.
we cuddle too well... it is nauseating.

we are making each other
physically
mentally
spiritually
sick.

the knife was placed in my stomach
and he twisted it...
"i might not be here when you get back..."
i already knew this.

until then... the poison continues to run through our veins.

gee golly.

one week.
is it bad that i want to stay here? i want to be in california so i can spend time with all the things that i have built. but instead this season i will be at home. falling in love all over again with the idea that life is a roller coaster and with each moment i have a new thought.

he keeps wanting to follow me home
today he shared a few feelings with me
a few songs
i shared
a few poems.

he gave me money for the market
then i left him there
he met me here
i kissed him there
he told me goodbye
i'll fly to the east
and it will never be the same.

dare i say it?
"you went rock & roll and forgot me".  -the tills.

Caught me.

In the intricate silk fibers

Are hidden strengths that bend

Ever so slightly... With effort

And ease. Skipping from thread

To thread in a delicate fashion

As to connect each individual 

Strand to the next with

Structure. Creating the repetitive

Motions that pulse our soul

Touching the nimble legs upon

A lovers chest as you become 

Tangled in the essence. 

Trapped and tricked into

The invisible death bed that 

Is the look into a mirror.

Shaken until panic sets in with

The reality that life is indeed 

Caught up in this mirage of

Love... Graven images and false

Idols once more consume

Our precious time.

Slowly and painlessly the 

Creator comes to claim their

Feast. 

sunday...bloody sunday.

here i am on the first after the saturday effect & chaos... alone.
here i am just as i was before
just as i will always be.

so i gain another perspective.
he always has the timing of say...
an angel.

i mix up the bag of tricks
and take a tip from the man himself
becoming slightly elusive.

pulling myself in two directions
perfectly balanced... hell and
heaven call my name at once.

i have light to spread
i promise i do
and now i understand the term "die young".

this day & age of touch technology
it touches back
and opens all the seized doors.

this day i'll live a parallel version
a day in the life of ...
my san francisco lover.

do not bore of this place just yet
accepting the space
you have been blessed with. amen.

if audrey hepburn was a rockstar... well then, a dj told me so.
the faint memory of hours of the realistic scratches on the record.
it was all a lust procreation of ... summer sweat.
i liked the music.
the perfect order of sounds arranged by a beautiful soul.
he was trapped in a smokey essence of genuine love.
i liked that he was across the street...
so we could ride the nights and hear good music.
he introduced me to a new outlet of music unknown.
unheard of
you heard it here first.
the sweaty nights and good days full of beautiful...
brides.
their love filled a room and gave me the
four squares
seem to exist.
it did exist.
she still does it... just the same.
hm.

lets hear a live sound. lets hear it.

#enjoy #weird.

something different to elevate the size and shape of the matter.
letters in the mail from san francisco. she drew a maze and the respective shapes, outlets & dead ends, seized to move and travel... gathering all the clues.
boxes of love & sex.

she can't get in.
the flooding of courage,
outrage.
to become?



so i think about this and how i have become so overly consumed with myself that it is sickening. but that is the name of the game. single in the whirl wind of technology.
so i scream in rage and anger, tearing down the pictures on the walls.
he will never see me the same way again.
i've never seen her.
but i've heard she's insane.

188.

"as an artist in this generation. 

who says i know anything about art. no… i do not know much about the history of it, but i live it… breathe it and portray it.

i think it had much to do with my childhood and always being outdoors, always having the time and energy… and resources to create things. i could see how nature worked and the life and death… all the colors. i made all the actualities up in my head so here i am… on an earth that doesn't even exist in my mind. 

oh lord. 

i remember how much i disliked structure and anything that is remotely routine. i like to mix it up and fear the same feeling. i would rather not be surrounded by the same people everyday, as a matter of fact… i'd rather be alone.

that is how i felt about having to go to church all the time… but now i see why i didn't like it, it wasn't the belief or the word. it was the walls that always seem to hold me in… hold me back. but i remember as a child always having some tight connection with my interior voice that shows me things i will and am supposed to be… pursuing."

excerpt from 500 days of LA 

consistently inconsistent.

the lesson of the day... too many to count.
here i reside in my lovely setting
accomplishing what i see as .. nothing.
i rather bore myself.
tears fall from the keys of the piano
as i sit cross legged on the floor and weep.
begging for mercy and forgiveness.
i know nothing.

all of it bores me.
i have no passion.
i long to sleep... away this present moment.

is that true? is that truly how i feel? i have no idea what happened.
i just know that i am usually not present for the most intense part.
so why should anyone care? why should anyone have interest in what i have to say?

asking asking asking asking.
ask in the name of the lord and you shall receive.

a small spider crept up... moving steadily along the black and white landscape.
a sign. creativity & balance. keep pushing through.

MORNING COLORS.

THE COLD TREMOR OF BREATH
WARMER THAN THE AIR
SURROUNDING OUR CRYSTAL
BLUE TINTED SKIN TONES
THAT APPEAL TO THE INNOCENCE
OF THE BEGINNING.

RARELY DOES THE SUN SEE
THIS ANGLE OF LIGHT
STARING INTO THE SHARP
CRISP PALE JURISDICTION
AND DECISION TO CREATE
SOMETHING NEW.

LETTING GO OF THE PRETENSE
THAT WE SHOULD MOVE
ON WITH THE WORLD
RATHER WE ARE STILL
TO ENHANCE OUR SENSES
AND STAY AWHILE.

PLACE SOUNDS TO SHAKE
THE SOUL'S INTERIOR
RIDDLED TO KEEP THE
ORGANIC FEEL AND TOUCH
OF ELEGANCE SHIFTS TO
THE TICK OF AFTERNOON.

11.13.13

I woke up tangled in sheets with the boy, he was behind me. I like the feel of our flesh pushed together in a scramble of morning mess.

I could feel him moving around early, he was feeling to see how comfortable I am with him... Not so much yet. 

I don't like it from behind, especially when I am some what unconscious. I can't figure out who it is... Bringing back ill feelings from the past. I think with time I could enjoy this style with him, but currently I need to see and hold him. 

Falling back to sleep for awhile.. Until the roofers showed up. They begin work at 8am and will be for the next few weeks... So I will be waking up much earlier. We laid tangled for many more hours; I was so comfortable that I didn't want to unravel, I did not want the moment to end. Hours later I need to feel him.. And the morning is a good out-of-body time for me, it just feels really raw. I love it when we smell and our whispers are raspy... "Get on top of me..." The way he asks and encourages with his tone makes me crazy... I hold onto him and I already begin to feel wet. I am horny and emotional this morning... The sex was wonderful. The wetness and feel of our naked souls pressing into one another was such a pleasure.. I could have it all day. After he couldn't take it anymore... Between the banging on the roof and the erotic movements of my body... He yelled and I tried to feel it too... Just looking into his face, eyes... Licking his lips... It had become too much and we had to finish. I stood up, dizzy and went to pee... We had left a candle burning from the night before, and I was covered in blood. 

"I think I killed you.." He laughed from the other room. I was wiping blood and so thankful that I wasn't pregnant. The night before I had worried and began to pray that I was indeed not... I have too much of this world to change to be captured by the responsibility of a child. And with him!? Oh dear, not yet. He asked me the night before if I could see myself with them... most likely not, though I have no control over my life plan. 

We laid back down and cuddle napped until the banging made me feel restless and I was ready to do my own banging. When I am near him I can't help but to touch him... To be intertwined in legs and arms. This time I needed to feel his weight on top... I need to see his shoulders working... The muscles tensing and releasing around his neck. I like to hold pressure at his neck and throat, to see just a touch of panic in this eyes.. Then a nervous smile. 

It feels so good... Everytime. Is this how he is with other girls? I am only occasionally like this with other boys, so it might be safe to say... I am a rare breed to him. His words "you won... congratulations, I like you.. " ring in my head now. But I am still vulnerable near him... He could be just trying to get a reaction from me... Like a good girlfriend of his said..."I am not one of your little whores." 

Paint me a field of yellow pansies 

And thorned rose bushes

To cross contaminate the

Urge to snap your pulse..

Thin thread like fibers

That trapped me into a whirl pool

of lust. 

i wish doll.

the irony of a parody.
hm.


so i cross paths with the love of my life.
so what?
i can handle this and..
harry.


i promise i can.
london explained #gem today, she resembles a few things i remember.
part girl part rockstar. (we explored this earlier)
and now NOW i see it all coming together.

hallelujah.

blessed are the meek.

matthew 5:5

one drop of wine will ruin an entire party.

pause.stop.go.

you can have time and no rhythm.
you can have rhythm and no time.

what happens when you have both?

i am just a continuum of the cycle now.
i see all the parallel lines and the essence of what is real...
what is imaginary?

living in the matrix.

causes me thoughts of panic and calm
equal balance
now i dream for more
i must keep the faith.

i must be quiet now. i am about to be .... exposed.

the biggest thing God is doing in your life is teaching you to TRUST Him, so faith usually leads you through the difficulty... not around it. 

vulnerable.

it is already beginning to hurt.

"he was strange in his ways... there may be a change in the tide". - the tills

the eames couple changed the world together.
creative thrills and spills of emotions
in the 901 warehouse in venice beach, ca.

i am so close.... things are moving slow. but in actuality... they are racing with the speed of light.
tiny scraps of paper and pieces of creative thoughts in the round-about of my square.
now i rush and race around.
i took a nice nap yesterday.
it may as well be my last moment of sleep.

the illusion of time.


put on your dancing shoes
we are about to show the world
that love is a real bizarre
presence only one of
spiritual existence can
grab hold of.

the ones that rejoice in him
will be set free and will
forever live in his


sunshine.
eternal sunshine.

sunshine... you are my sunshine.

shades of gray.

I spend plenty of time now shading small details with pencil. They start to look 'real' towards the end, but you have to push through the unseen to find the final result. The lips series will be a challenge, my first one was inspired by the lips that I love. The lips that I have touched before in my past; tasted their venom.. become caught up in their poison. Once you have them... You always crave more. The lips alone will speak for themselves... Little quirks and smirks to describe a feeling once had.

So I relax, there is no where in this world that I would rather be. Opening up more doors than I know what to do with... I peer inside just a few. "The boy" stands in a dark doorway... With just a small light flickering. Candles lit... A luring grin. He bites his lower lip and lowers his head down, so I can only see his eyes lost in the brow. The shadows of my past tell me to be cautious... But a dangerous feeling is something that I seek.

Closing my eyes I am alone. I prefer to keep them open from now on. I want to take note of all the details.

whoa.

bloody morning makes for the best...
disgustingly ravenous bedroom adventure.

the destroying of the roof added to the dramatic effect. the change in lighting helps.

what compels us to each other like wild animals? what does this?
i said prayers last night to ease my pain, everything will be fine. i felt like i was drowning last night... now i feel free again. funny little prayers.

standing in the doorway with an electric guitar in the background... dark shadow sounds. the private party that has become our life together. we have this time to be in solitude, because it is only going to get more...

This time.. I see always.

"Is that a poem?" I ask... "Sure".
It was not, but this proves my theory of each action results in a different reaction, depending of course on the person's current frame of mind...

I think of it as my personal love poem.
That one day he may... Or may not recite to me.
It is rather irrelevant to me, I may fall down... I shall get back up.

Oh yea. I take risks. "Rambling woman.. With a gambling soul."
I feel I've aged myself centuries the past few weeks... So far into another world.

Last night I dreamed that I was fussing with my mother about how if she had more faith in me.. I would be more successful. Is it that I don't have faith in myself? I fell asleep early and slept lightly.. Going in and out with worrisome thoughts. My prayer practice has increased.. At this point, it is all that I have left. Prayer & Faith.

"sometimes not being there is even more punk rock..." -jinx

truth.
fuller and i are in LA and NYC and today we laughed about just wanting to be home at the show... silly girls.

my night was calmly bizarre. i had all the reassurance that i needed for one tiny girl.
i say my prayers, doze off and wake only to feel energized by the early morning hours.
i feel the need to carry on several conversations now... i listen to the tills in honor of their first halloween appearance in asheville on the east side... if only i could be there. it is going to be such a monumental show.. that only a select few will see.

but this is my journey. "wow, he really set you free.."
yes he did.
that is what he does when you choose to love him.

lucid dreaming can be a dangerous reality.

i had the strangest dreams last night... about my life leaving california. i didn't want to go, i wasn't ready. one of my room mates was forcing me to leave because he knew that i didn't have any right to be here, i can't afford not one bit of it. he had packed up all my things and i was forced to find a way home or somewhere else within only days. i panicked and was shocked by the reaction of the other room mates; they didnt seem to care. i stared out the window and wished that i didn't have to leave the view. where would i live? i couldn't see any options... i couldn't visualize any real future that looked bright to me. i think i even considered living at the salon... maybe with christoffer.
i did keep seeing this under the second floor room that was dark and comfortable, good lighting... high windows. it lead to the forest which felt like it connected to home. i think elwang was even a part of this dream... maybe he was helping me move?
i couldn't snap out of dream land, i wasted time seeing this unreal scene when i could have been awake and in the present world.

whoa.

i need to get out of my head.

perfect timing.

you have to practice the daily rituals in order to stay on track. to stay focused and be able to get a task done. rituals. i have lost mine.. formed new ones, i am really unsure.

i stopped writing.
not enough time?
no.... just time filled with sex.
and other lustful nonsense.

but just as the seasons change, so do the tides.
it might be time to say goodbye for now.
he inspired an insightful ride.

i can learn to live without many things
a lover is not one of them.
i can not help my urges and i need them to be captured and contained with another human.

what i do believe... is that you choose a partner that compliments your life. that helps you get through the hard times, the good times.... and is there for years to help you reminiscence about the past. we choose to be with some one... we can not explain the attraction, but his scent plays a major role. his stature... his essence. it all just fits. for now. 

mission statement.

Let the timing be of an essence that guides me to the right path. My planning is soon to begin. I have to reconnect with my being.. My purpose.

What is she?

Persistent to focus
Resistant to negativity
Thought provoking
Enlightened
Engaging
Mysterious familiar energy
Childlike
Timeless
Classically trained
Eloquent
Exceptionally charming

And what will she do?
God only knows.

sir.sierra

what have you done to me?
where did you come from?
and when will you be leaving?

the fleeting breed of the male gender...
feministic traits that would confuse or stifle the average female.
he does it all for a reaction.
i have none.

hmm.

for now the made up illusion of his creature is trapped in my head and i want to run around with him.
he likes that i'm so mobile.

i like that he is such a gentleman. and he has phenomenal shoes.
men with style make me mad.
absolutely mad.

Timeless.

Resort back to the moment you arrived in California. The very first seconds of life here. The dreams, the aspirations... The joy of living in California. 

The eternal and everlasting light that I am... It resides inside of my soul. "I ain't got nothing but time".

I believe I prayed for him; I think I asked God for him to come along. Now we lay in a tangled mess of... Thoughts out loud. I should stay still with him, except we can never stop moving. I like hands and shoulders in the morning, it could've only been better with coffee. Our lustful time together is a sin, but I have to accept "this sin that I'm living in". I am only human.

I can't quite explain what has come over me. I think I fell out of love last night... This funny little feeling of ecstasy passing ... He wasn't what I wanted anymore, but that feeling and need to help him was still there. It is a forever feeling... 

dare to scare.

The obstacle of being scared... Even if you know that it is happening... You can't exactly prepare yourself for the unknown. I was surrounded by all of my men, six wonderful men to keep me safe. Even their hands were not enough to keep me from screaming & shaky my way through the maze.

I think what disturbed me the most... That our society pays to scare themselves. By the masses we stand in line to see this "amusement"... How bizarre.

I was entertained by the crowds around us... Filtering in and out of the maze... Which is actually an old ship from the early twenties. It claims to be haunted and I'm sure that all the fake ghosts & chain slamming didnt make the actual spirits too happy. Either way, after only half of the show... I was eager to make my exit. 

The one chord that struck me.. Was a few moments with a banjo. A girl was dressed as a zombie and playing "beat it" by Micheal Jackson in such an intriguing manner... I hope one day to recreate this sound. Her feeling was stiff ans rigid... some thing was trapped inside. 

The old box cars lining the entrance with freak show and circus.... Flames firing in such a timing that kept you on your toes, now that I think back, I should've captured a photo, but no... I was reminded of Harry, I am sure he has already seen this before. 

Dreams to dreams twisted in liquid metal, all of which decided to reflect themselves in distorted ways. I wake up in great pain and sorrow... The pale white essence of innocence is how he makes me feel. Showering me in powered air, I could feel his hand. He is still lingering so close. I want to hear his voice again, but not many voices can be heard in these dreams. 

Just another day in paradise.

Relax, stay awhile.

The beauty of the day is in colour. It is the breeze, the steady stillness of... I have been here in a dream. I dreamed it all in... I am so blessed.

Instead of moving... It is all handed to me on a silver platter, intriguingly placed pawns to guide my way. 

The red and black stripes reappear. Who knew a boy... of sorts... Exist that illustrates my life! His acrylic placement takes me to the space where it is hard to breathe. I am her.

Time drags on today. Hours from now I will be in this gallery full of artist... real artist.

prayer is what needs to change. 

god is the spirit that lies within each of us. depending on the amount of influence you have from yourself and the studies of the word, depends on your outward behavior toward society. 

his spirit comes and goes, it is up to you to learn how to hold on. 

october.15.2012

the beginning. sex will save us. dreams do come true.
they do. you just have to pray & concentrate.
i keep praying. i have no idea what is ahead of me.

talented artist are the most troubled souls...
all that feeling has to come from somewhere. what do you want to write about? this life.
lets be psychos together.
this moment.. we are alive.
i want to feel even more alive. with someone.
we deserve to have each other.
love is all a reality show.
so appropriate for my situation.
zack mexico inspired. talented guys.
oh the irony. the same moment i saw that ryan had hung up my painting in his room... & then joe text me a picture of another piece of art.. all of a sudden every thing became about art & it was... is amazing. i need to keep going. its only better from here. i am so ready. CALIFORNIA with michelle. its not what you expect. life with out expectations is a simple thing. enlightened. my favorite compliment of the night. this life is a reality show. i am the lead character. i am so ready for some one to hold me for a while. but i have plenty of time for that later. so begins the 14 day countdown.


one year later... i stumbled up this page in my journal today. 

meaningless sin.

listen to: the tills

If only he wasn't the demon downfall of my last few weeks, I think we went too far.
I just fall back into the sequence of no permanent words. I did not plan for this to happen.. "pinky promise" we'll be friends in the end.
Until then pleasure will do.

Medusa, he questioned me. I am genuinely insulted and also embarrassed with his questions. Do we really even want to know? Why do I like you? Why do I even care.

Another one still haunts me in my dreams.. and reality. "Do your own thing girl".
Stop acting insane. The world is changing and needs you... Someone whispers. "Selfish!" I exclaim, but it is all incomprehensible and when I speak I suppose that is why he is drawn to my mouth.

Only my parts of pleasure.
Selfish brat.

Playing the cards I have is the new rule.
Only the cards I have.
"You already hate me..."
We will be just fine.

Please forgive me ... For I have sinned.
But you placed the boy in front of me as a snake... Winding into temptation... To displace my goals.

Or maybe he is a good partner in crime, who is to say at this point? All I know is he left his soul in my room last night. My dreams are wrapped tight in his being...

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Mark 8:36

like a feather.

in the palm of my hand
i wait for him
to come my way
with a breeze or
a stutter to shift the
air
blow me away.

landing soft to the earth
not a scratch
or sound
so gracefully falling
seamlessly, lightly
delicately, aimlessly
to touch the ground.

breathless is the still
of the wind
absence of your
touch
gone for now
with a seasonal
sense of retreat

our soul finds it's
rest.

grim reaper blues.

listen to: entrance band.
rock & roll
i understand just a bit more of their pain.

i was hit by a car on tuesday. as in... two days ago. it still seems like a subtle dream, except it hurts.
my neck hurts, my shoulders... thank goodness i merely just hit the ground; floating the entire way.
life catches you off guard and shakes you until you are alive again. i know how easy it is to die. i thought i was dead... for about three minutes. for your brain, that is an eternity of questions. "why me?" "why now?"

the morning was beautiful and white and lined with beach side palm trees. the excitement of my mission made me lucid and preoccupied with thoughts of acrylic and paint brushes. minutes later i was in an ambulance, strapped to a board... imagining my brain bleeding out. i had so many urges, so many needs at that moment. i wanted to sing out loud, i had survived the day.

as the morning progressed i started to gain my sense of being and made a few important phone calls. the calm in my voice confused those on the other line... "did you get hit by a car?" as if i was just born again in my last pose. resting and focusing on getting the breathe to where it belonged. sooner than later i had to tell my mother... who is 3,500 miles away.

strangest thing.
i had a dream this happened the night before.
can you really live the dream?
call 911.

night sessions.

it is a time of darkness

to secure that the light

of day doesn't penetrate 

it's core.

power to the lizards that

scatter away from the 

limelight tunnels leading

you far from your

destination.

stay here with the shadows

and demons resting 

until the reflection of day

has left the land.

scratching and holding 

hands in a ransom for

lost souls pacing 

to steal your identity.

questioning your ability

to hold firm to this 

treasure that is your 

soul.

foster this hopeful lust

and bottle it out to sea

further from reality as

humanly possible.

rest eyes with the silence

sleep wrapped in fiction

and satin sheets

of death. 

he takes me on a journey

of glitter and gold substances

false is his intention

of ever settling with love. 

he'll find me in the night.

master.

10,000 hours later and studies have proven that i will have accomplished this or that.
i have many many more to go.
so i gave all my strife to god.
i had to, there was no other choice. you can only be broken down so much; to see the horizon again.
this is how i give gratitude and find peace... i must find myself.
only then can i love and gracefully help others.

dear god,
send me an angel.

Haunted.

When a feeling lingers... Stays with you and causes feelings, emotions. Thoughts of him were only once in my dreams, but I have been in his... Before he knew me.

He said that I was there, hovering around... On him.
He dreamed we walked down the city streets, chain smoking and there were flowers everywhere... We were admiring how beautiful they were... Then we kissed against a wall.

This happened the other night... Friday to be exact, minus the flowers and cigarettes.
Lucid dreaming.
Others have them too.

It is not just me, hum. But I brought it up. What do I like about him? One might ask...
I don't recognize him... That is why I want to see him, our legs are comfortably wrapped and tripped out together. Is this normal? Too soon? I assume so.

"I am not normally this way... You are very tempting."

Oh good grief.

The piano haunts me. I want her so bad. Her keys are calling my name.
and as for Mr. Harrison? He is still so close.... but too far away on this particular day.

less & less & less

it is becoming drained from my body like fluid released out of a water ballon... air from a tire
"you are not a one night stand".
one night will never be enough.
how much can you give up?
how much can you give in?
how much can you live without?
how much can you suffer?
how long will you wait?


i have lost so many things
just to name a few i wish to recollect
is my self esteem. the boy i thought would never
fall for me... did.
he likes my womanly legs.
he likes me.
he hates me.
he wants me.
he wants me to fuck off.

my career is just the slightest glimmer of real.
only a few ounces left to try and make this one
work. no one really likes me anyhow.
it is a love hate thing. i lost too many fucking days.

i just want to shower off the past few days and start over.
can i start over?

Battling in transit.

Everything is unfinished. Nothing makes sense and I have no where to go. At least that is how I feel.

Now what? Lets jump a train and travel the coast. Disappear for the time.  Stop me if I'm wrong... but I think he dreamed me out of thin... Air.

Here I am. 

There he is. Phenomenal how he can utilize his energy with such ease. Throwin' shapes and confusing what particles I happen to have left over.

I am learning though, I am progressing. I have seen the outcome from otherwise. 

Southern California boy. 

That is all he stands to be for the time being.

Instead I sing others songs in my head just to help

Tolerate the unspeakable actions he wishes to perform.

I have been waiting for a partner in crime, the ones that

"F*** you" he says. Sound familiar? 

I am meant to be so much more, and if you give me a chance... I'll let you in to play. "Let you in". Well that would be absolutely absurd. I am in love with an illusion. 

degree of separation.

I lay in bed last night and listen to the silence. Only my breath is in the room; the solitude becomes almost unbearable. I can't find slumber, instead I toss and turn and become tangled with the blankets.
This loneliness is silly. This "need" for companionship is only human.

I've lost your interest and mine over the past months. I stop many habits, including keeping up with my days. The dreams are swept aside... As the fact of the matter does go... The dreams change and shift themselves.

I must become a part of something that is bigger than me. Perhaps that is why "home" is calling me back again... So I can feel the community. This trip has been such a whirl of "what have I done..." Now fall comes again for that feeling of beginnings with summer's end.

The novelty of being away. I thought about Alex this morning on my ride to work, he immeditlaty text me... "I really miss you and how close we used to be". I miss our time together, but that time has come and gone. I reminenced our mornings when he would sing to me... "Stand by me..."

Pink flamingo.

When do you throw in the towel?
No body said it was easy... No one ever said it would be this hard. Should I just make my way back to the east? I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of restless debt that keeps adding up. I can't seem to collect any money here.. I'm paying for the experience.

I am constantly haunted with the "what-ifs" of leaving or staying. I am going to give it until the end of twenty thousand thirteen. One year. That is all that I can handle with my little southern soul. It is a big world out there and so what LA isn't "the one".

It is not over just yet. The manic of a full moon will spark some extra energy. The performance of art with my body is a new found thrill. Parallel to the first show of The Tills in Charleston... I could feel the pull and chaos; just heels and fur in a crowded art museum with the title "risqué" will do.

I have a brilliance all to myself. But just like when Lennon met Ono... He described her as a woman that knew everything he already knew... And her about him..."he was very handsome." Their love was controversial and oh so tantalizing. Perhaps she was the downfall of the Beatles.. but I refuse to ever stop him.  "We" are just at the beginning.

Even.

I sit on the the busy street of broadway in long beach. I contemplate what I am doing? What am I really doing here? I've grown bored of all the surroundings and I only halfheatedly  commit to anything. This now allows too much time to sleep and think about what I "could" be doing. I haven't written in a week... It's not that I don't have good intentions of continuing this .. project, it's just I've lost interest. I need a force of inspiration, a change that doesn't involve me moving. I just want to do something that amounts to anything. I childishly  sang that I could indeed do better than him... But I know deep down I can not. I absolutely can not do better... The insult is rewarding, keeps me begging and pushing for more.

Sway.

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. (Hebrews 10:35, 36 KJV)

I continue the new pattern of no words. Everything is indeed temporary and so are my feelings for you. They cast off and on, again and again. Nothing I can do... Nothing you can say.

It doesn't stop there. I day dream of my east side options and sway from the focus, but remember ... "You are supposed to be here". Repeat those words over and over, silently. Whether I can see it... Or not... I am the option. The blessings are surrounded and I should sleep easy. 

Now to continue the writing. 

classic.

vacation. i took a few weeks of leave from my thoughts... my dreams and my aspirations. one jolt of common cents and i assume i will regain my function. wrapped & bound in a leathered fashion, this is my vow to stay a while. trapped in my own absence. today is the gain.

i passed the weeks with sleep & alcohol. a dream of dreams of sorts.

snap back in it girl.

"who wants you now?" -the tills.

sing to me til the end of time, sir. 

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."

"when you close your eyes... it is only you".  

the agony of being alone, being not the one for him... or anyone at all. that is the draw. that is the point. the love i share is for and with everyone. i need to understand that his love is the same. we just happen to meet on the same page every so often.

inspired by his love for me... for us. the longing of being completely and utterly so far away from the future. it is what i deserve. 

give me just one more chance. i promise i won't make a mess of it this time around. 

lushious peace.

quality time.
the key to life is quality time. and i really needed this time with him. i had such a wonderful day. it was life church. the entire day. each moment to the perfect point of view.
monday brunch with an inspiring group of electric humans. waking up on the screened in porch at sunrise. i love hear to fuller's voice, something that she does to me. explaining that of which i reawakened and thought it was a dream. except for it was quite real.

one year ago today i gave him the perfect haircut in my kitchen. "you're moving to california?... that's cool." i gave him exactly that he wanted. "how did you know?"

i shake to shiver.

this year the sun set itself behind the horizon, the back drop to a phenomenal piece of art work.  with style. do everything with style, simply with style.
all the while listening to rock & roll. this time the kitchen of his eden street summer home. feeling the fall of a season, it's like i was here all along. we just have so much growing to do... alone. as artist we are ultimately alone in our own genius ...ways of riddles and scramble that amount to our daily lives.

he shared all the new music with me. reinventing himself. as it should be   t/he tills/
the ride is going to be fun. we are all going brillant places. and so the tide continues in and out...

discontinued.

things are happening with out this knowledge of focus. it all just happens. i do not plan any of it.

the sister said "he" does it.
the almighty of creators.
he resides in lust.
gives a hope that looking forward
to something is the power
of the up and downs
then for us the earth offers me
no glory or fame.

one day you will know my name.

#insight51.

a flood of inspiration caught me in a sea of all of my loved ones. i am thankful for the day and the ocean front salon. the lovely women, my muses...

i created wonderful wearable art work today. it is floating around the east coast in the form of proteins attached to the scalp. the shapes of blending long layers and creating a fall sunset in ombre form was much to be expected in my state of pleasure.

insight. i have clarity again. she was once was lost... but now am found. it just took a few chords to stroke again, this time with a slightly different crowd. the natural healers that are my lovers... pursing their lips with words, movements, advice to change my perspective.

"do what you wanna do" by devin the dude. describing the essence of my being for one of the better days. today is the day that i begin, again and again. i am happy for her return.



back in the woods is a path... the long dirt road that leads to nowhere. the murder hole some will call it... some never make it out alive. i think i belong there.

black murder...

(listen to rumble by link way while reading) 

the nights are young and so are our chances for romance. he playfully tipped my hat... 

the first song he played to me was a a country song... the one that tore my world apart.  "they have to have something to write about" i explained to laura after she asked if i was still crushing on harry. oh of course i am, sometimes you can not and will not say goodbye.

"he still needs to get used to the idea that you are here."

'what are you doing here?'

harry, i am in love with you... that is what i should've said. but you don't get it often ...  give him something to feel. give me something to bleed about.

the jaded ambitions of believing in love is what pushed; being interesting is the key point of what he is trying to make. the fulls and hearts blur out my actual feelings and before i know it... the palm of my hand brushed his hip.

too far.

too much.

the relativity of my actuality is what makes me evil. i hate so much to be untouched that i catch myself holding my breath.

the wind howls outside as i lay in solitude trying to calm my... anger. alone in this story book of unreasonable explanations and scenarios... 'who do you think you are... girl, you can really move.' said pappy. 

written august 30 2013, the night of mr. harrison's day of supposed birth to earth. 

the hound dogs family band.

felt the end of an era last night. felt the subtle linger of summer's end... when the falling of your love is crawling on the floor. it was a good run... a good way to spend the beginning. remembering the first night i laid eyes of him. remembering the feeling of "how could this be? where did these guys come from? who are they?" and now i know. the four years that flew through in a rage of great hair and legs... the essence of elvis, the beatles, james brown... him. i found him. i fell in love with him.

i could see the sorrow in his face... if i caught a reflection i could've seen it in mine. but instead i masked my truth with a grand distraction of dancing. i could feel that it was going to be the last time that i felt the energy that so heavily influenced my world today. the art. the calling. the lovers and the friends.

im with the band. fuller called us and made sure we would be there... oh of course my model and i were running late. we were busy trying to rationalize our lives and futures in the wood paneled oceanfront house. i needed this time with her to over analyze the critical moments. the sections of your life that only a true lover can help you digest.

i suppose the entire day was one of goodbyes. leaving for good this time. releasing the light and energy back into the world. no longer does he hold the flame. he blew it out so quickly i hardly noticed until the darkness set in.. and i had to rely on my own.

like a candle in the night, energized with just a bit of a new taste of white... and the sounds of a ukelele. the four strings felt heavenly with longing for something. some droplet of hope that can make me relax and breathe again... the inspiring breath of life. taken all from me ... the one look i got from him was enough. the eye contact was a magnetic field that pulled him in just one last time. knowing that it was real... from the wink that proves he knows something that i do not... nor will i ever know. until my dying day... i will never know what i did to make him lose me.

"i feel like we have grown up... like we have graduated on to something more." said fuller.

the rain fell from the sky in ice sixlets that pierced my skin and made me shiver. making me shake from the loneliness that is my wandering soul. using my eyes to listen, falling in love with myself all over again. fuller always helps. she is in the front line of my life for good reason... helping pick up the pieces that i left on the floor of all the dives on this island.  the boys that take from me. my soul wouldn't be the same without these questionable times.

"but now it is time to say goodbye, girl." hh

cakex2

"you keep trying to decide on just one thing.. one place, one person. dear, you can have all of it." says niya.
she looks me in the eye. this girl.

our dinner date was a much needed spontaneous moment in time so we could sit and have a cake & a cup of coffee.
so what, i like sugar...and caffeine.
i like drugs.


then we call it a night.
the ninja turtles & super blazer are meant for another night. we'll get to downtown LA soon enough, for now the shore is just fine.

indulge.

because i played the fool for you, i solicit the right to an explanation.
the pains of your voice echo far and...
in a quiet plan of self awareness.

subtle & selfish is the intention of rhetorical questions
answers of a genius.
the name of the song...
"what is your story?"

you'll just have to wait and see.
until then i will continue to make a memorial
mess of the situation for pure amusement.

#fuckmodernsocialmedia

spider.

do not give me what is best
      i don't know better anyway
bizarre constellation
      far beyond your reach
better books for writing
  connected in a web
     of crystalized nylons
         glittered threads
spiraling in a wheel of
ecstasy___________
         no human is enough
  for me because i am alone.
the loneliest souls draw me in.

july 23 2013

Counting.

I lose count of the days.. The hours... The time of what is making my future. I had all the best intentions of keeping up... Of using the right words, but instead I ignore my own goals. They seem.. Lackadaisical.


To create a design, one in my mind quickly and effortlessly.. Then we spent the evening in his studio making bracelets... I sat and was surprisingly quiet. I wanted to spill things all over the floor and throw paint.. Or delicately place acrylic on canvas... But not yet... Not yet. I have to breathe in and take these quiet moments to envision "this".

I was oddly surprised with my appeal to him... What keeps us intrigued in each other? An invisible draw like tiny crystal threads lacing our lives together. He might be the most interesting man I know...

"In a past life" he kept explaining...

in the sea of a selfish arrogant unrealistic fashion less city.. "those pants are brilliant". the pants usually are in my world.
but last night was lame and less than desired. i see the world in a different way.
disconnected now, while the rhymes and rhythms are too much for me to handle.
i feel alone and bored, so the point of the story is... "do not let your surroundings distract you from what is in the inside, create from within."


create from within.
create from within.
create from within.

then release your creativity into the world, even with all the clutter, all the noise, all the bullshit...

you will be found if you are real.

hype.

to die at your peak, or just before the fall. that is what i long for
"you will only get better..." said london.
he made me feel sound today, reassuring me that i am indeed just passing through. i lack this sense of community but i do "indeed include everyone" said the caterpillar. he understands because he is just as evil....

we shall travel together someday.
he is the man of my dreams.


more and more the goals which bring your interest forward.
Where do they come from?
within. if you took a moment to be quiet you would see them.

i am a distant soul that hasn't really connected to long beach. i lost a sense of me...
understand.

he is always included. as selfish as i am.
so i watch another documentary and gush about perhaps posing naked. hum. boring.


one week.... this is enough time to grasp the feelings that i slammed on the ground. the collision i wonder if he feels the same way>
who am i kidding. now we just have to see who caves first, more details later....




sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.  sex. sex. sex .sex. sex. \\

feelings. fuck. feelings. fuck. art. fuck feelings. fuck art. art. art. art.
sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.
fingers. fingers. fingers. fingers. art. art. art.
sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.
feelings. feelings. feelings. feelings.
art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art.
sex.

fuck feelings sex art death.

to be?   or    not to be?

the infamous question. it will almost be too late if i keep going. i should give in now if i plan not to be recognized. then i can go home and just continue to stir up trouble because i am bored?

other option: stay still for a few more months.
also... try to be a lady. there is a place and time to be a wild animal. NOT around boys that you plan on working with...

the creative fantasies that i created all day with my dreams from last night kept my mind occupied. the release will hopefully cure me of "his" lingering for a few days. i am one step closer to finding a mate, i can feel it. the visualizations and longing keep me waking up each morning.

breaking point.

ruin me in bits of cracked
 glass

fracture the stale pieces
splintered in the heart

implode the particles of dusty
skin fragments to dismantle

this brain from all of your 
god given pleasure
it is too much.


demolished dirt smash to the ground
snap cables binding the joints

splatter on the walls drips
and drops burst and crack

the final words that disable
knees to bend forcefully

crush the thread of flesh
split to exhaust the thimble

hope impairs failure rendering
division crashes with a shiver.

celluloid.

"why do you write?"

because i have to, i explain.
i have to push the poison out somehow... somewhere.
do i know enough.
no.
i never will... and if learning all the keys means spending more time just being still; i guess i'm going to stand still for awhile.


(i can see a professor now... tearing me apart)
irrelevant.


it has to come out.
my time with sarah on the porch. she is an important character in the web that i am spinning. i watched a spider spin this web during dusk. she was delicate and persistent. she knew what she wanted... and she achieved it.
i suppose attraction is based on animalistic theory. if it weren't for the dreams, i wouldn't be pursuing him. but there are dreams and they have been realized.




in a world of two hundred years later.. i am still alive.
i am still intriguing.
i am still... on this earth.

(pick & choose wisely)

Aggressive.

That is the name of my current game. If I want something, I will get it. I just have to use the slightest bit of sarcasm and wear a relatable t-shirt.. Then it's just a matter of time.

In a room full of boys... I'm adjusted to being the center of feminism. It has been years of "training" for me. The sense of humor and expression amuses everyone. I guess you could say that I can be "a good time."

I met trouble, we hang out often enough. I know her well. His friend that I met... They have previous "girl" issues. That's what I love to hear... He said we needed to meet... And we sure did. He addresses me as "trouble". 

I was from the future and had never heard of things such as.. Instagram or Facebook. I was deliriously sarcastic and just used that card for a while. Playing a roll and being ridiculous. That is my favorite past time.

"Who was she?" I wonder is the question this morning. I let him see a bit of me. I don't remember the exact moment that our faces met.. Once again. He said we'd be sober the next time this happened; he was hardly correct. I knew that.

The sugar and vodka added to the mix of why I can't remember. I want all the small things back... But instead I threw my usual tantrum because I was drunk and I must have some weird trapped up tension that is released now in my young adult life. I just know too much... And nothing at all. Oh the simplicity of being brilliant. I recall some one referring to me as... Just that. "Brilliant". 

A muse to the arts.

A mannequin is the amount

Of what I am and will become.

Some eerie energy source that 

You use for your own..

Amusement.

Just a photo or a song is 

How I exist in this land after 

Time washes away the empty 

Sorrow that is buried in my expression.

Delicate laced lines are placed

Between you and I.

The only survival method...

I have my own soul.

It can not be captured without a thrill.

Placement and timing 

Lighting... No sound.

Words will not describe my love affair

With the most talented men 

Of the arts.

Only a shadow in the darkness

Once. Twice. Three times too many

A classy glass of broken promises.

Leaving legacy behind.

truth hurts.

it was all nothingness. "what is the matter?"
i already knew this was coming. but instead i created the scenario in my brain, but it wasn't real... it wasn't really real anyway. now i have to reinvent myself for a new cycle. the seasons change and so does the crowd. if forever was now... then we'd be over it.
it is going to take time. years of time for me to express how i feel. i suppose the art is just what comes natural. i can't hide it, but it is hidden. society hides the most beautiful things. you can't always see them... but it is made everyday.


inspiration.
give it to me.
use it of me.
the cycle continues.
seems to hurt less & less
with each one. 

obsessively monogamous.

"where am i going with this? I'm not really sure." is it a crazy thing to do what i do… what i did. 

but i feel like i have a purpose.

it all was from the band. i was so inspired to dance and be so thrilled with life that i just… danced. 

she said that they were all going to go home and have sex tonight. that is good… for couples. they need a reason to dance. our society forgot how to dance. how to have romance.  that actually keeps the 'things' alive. the flashback of what really was…. the dance. the sex is something so silly to me. it's not even the important part. 

i think the point might be that this music inspires us to want to have sex. it is like sex… it is that good. but if we all have loving and proper sex lives… we would be able to have a better country.. raise better children.. and see to it that people learn about love. 

the music translates well. purrfect. 

i am so thankful.

that is the point I'm trying to make. sex will indeed save us. 

so focus on yourself and the rest will come. have faith in the beauty of love.. across parallel lines. enjoy each one.